Willing to die?
Like many around the world, I am saddened, but not shocked, by the assassination of Benazir Bhutto. Since her return to Pakistan this fall, I kept asking myself, “is this really worth your life?”
Last night, I saw part of an interview she did with NBC’s Ann Curry, where Ann posed the same question. I guess on some level I wasn’t surprised by her answer. She appeared to have a very strong love for her country and a desire to create a system that worked for all. Her commitment to her people, her belief in something better was to her, worth dying for.
I began to wonder do I believe in anything so strongly? Am I committed to anything or anyone that I’d be willing to give up my life?
Of course, I would sacrifice my life for my daughter and husband. I guess most of us have a “someone” we would die for. But would we die for a stranger, a belief or cause? Would we choose death so that others we don’t even know could have a better life?
Would I choose death so that I could have a better life?
Over the past several years, much of the life I once had has fallen away. I know longer enjoy the level of material wealth I once had. As my business floundered and the bills mounted, my self-confidence sunk to an all-time low. (And that was saying something.) Friends that I thought were close have long since disappeared. In fact, my life today bears little resemblance to what it looked like some 5 years ago, when I ventured off to NYC and is even unrecognizable to the life I was living when I finally mustered the courage to leave my corporate job just 2 short years ago.
In a sense, I have died. The Lisa that once was has been dying a long, slow and sometimes very painful death. But dead, she is.
I was aware that the choice to be on my own was, for me, a choice between life and death. I was rotting away in my corporate job. From my 1st day, I knew I didn’t belong there. Almost 15 years later, even as my soul cried out for peace and my body ached from a never-ending list of sicknesses , I still pressed on. Until one day, the voice screamed so loudly that I couldn’t ignore it. “NO MORE. Today IS the day.” And on August 8, 2005, I updated the resignation letter that had been sitting on my hard drive for 2 years, and chose death.
So that I could live.
I didn’t realize then that death meant giving up old beliefs. Relationships. Material possessions. In order for me to LIVE, I had to be willing to give up what had really been killing me all along. The beliefs that I deserved to be treated poorly, that I was stupid, fat, ugly, a “sinner”, blah blah blah. Not one of those beliefs would serve me when I left what I called “hell.”
But hell was waiting outside as well.
When you decide to let go of the old and embrace something new, the ”old” gets pissed off. It’s comfortable and has enjoyed it’s fat, dumb and happy existence in your life for a long time.
The old and new can’t co-exist well in the same space. The old gets jealous ’cause it’s threatened. And it starts one hell of fight to stay in the space it has claimed. Just like the riots and the outrage in Pakistan since Mrs. Bhutto’s assassination, ”all hell broke loose” in my life as well.
Death often brings out the worst, so that the best can emerge.
Mrs. Bhutto gave her life for a better Pakistan. We may not see that for years to come, but it will emerge. People who never knew that they could stand up and be heard will do so, because silence isn’t an option for them anymore. Just like it wasn’t for her.
As I emerge from my own hell, I see death differently. I no longer see the resulting chaos as something to avoid and be afraid of. Yes, it’s dark at times. The pain and fear can be overwhelming–almost crippling. But if you can hang on, believing in something greater for your life, you’ll make it. And the new life that’s waiting is better than anything you could possibly imagine. Silence is no longer an option for me, either. And I’ve never felt more alive.
There is an old saying “that we must be willing to let go of the person we are, so that we can become the person we are meant to be.”
Are you willing to die, so that you can live?
You won’t be alone. I promise. There is much love for you here.
Let’s Connect!
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Lisa–this is a great post…no answers, but questions, and experiences shared.
I just heard today about the assassination. After reading your post, I think that sometimes someone’s death provides even greater impetus for their beliefs to take hold. When people see how someone was willing to die for “beliefs” and/or their group’s betterment, they may be more likely to risk more themselves.
You are right—I think even more change will emerge.
Maybe these are the same choices we all are making…for you and I it seemed like to live in security driven life (i.e. corporate job) was death/dying, but also other choices led to unpleasant results…more dying.
Maybe in the end, the best thing is to die for what you believe in. For some they die for security. For others they die for freedom.
Yes. I am willing to die. Might as well be, cause it’s happening daily. Dying and being reborn. Surrendering and being open to receiving what comes in to replace what I’ve just let go of. Benazir has done this on a much huger scale, but it is the same thing we do…all we can do. It’s how we do it and what we make of the “loss” and change that makes all the difference.
Thank you for reminding us that death is the door to the true life that we are meant to give. May you be an example for others to follow, to let go of what they think they are and walk the path to who they never seized to be.
This is a great posting Lisa. I too was saddened by the death of Benazir Bhutto but I saw an interview she did before she went back to Pakistan. I believe Dan Rather did the interview and asked her the questions about whether she was concerned about dying. As she responded to Dan and started that journey, I thought “Wow, what courage”. As I have commented in my own Blog, I thought the same thing about you when you decided to leave the corporate world.
What/who are we willing to die for? When you look at what we stay in each day that is not for us? When you look at how long we live a life contrary to our destiny and are actually aware of it? When you look at things from this perspective, we are dying inside each and every day. Some are not aware but their physical and emotional health bears the truth. Some are aware but lack the courage to make a different decision. In some ways we have become soft as a country/individuals and lack the courage and conviction of Dr. Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, etc. who’s courage resulted in many of the freedoms and opportunities we enjoy today.
Your Blog entry, which is very personal and profound, should convict everyone about the life they are leading and hopefully a path to better choices. I just heard the elections in Pakistan have been postponed till February. makes you wonder who will have the courage to step forward in the coming days for a better Pakistan. “Without a Struggle There Can Be No Progress” – Frederick Douglass
Lisa …wow. Do you realize what an inspiration you are to people? If I could only “die” to be the person I know I am. I can’t. I live the corporate world because I have no choice. My kids need food. You are so lucky, so fortunate. You are living your authentic life. I must live another world for 10 hrs a day and be someone else. It’s not so bad and I console myself knowing that I do what I do to help my children, but I lose a part of myself each day. It becomes part of the lunatic fringe.
Miss Emily-
Gracious sakes, girl! Thanks for the compliment.
I do believe that inspiration comes in a variety of ways. The strength, courage and determination you exhibit in taking care of your children, is inspirational. Give yourself credit for being an extraordinary Mom.
It took me 15 years to leave corporate, Em. It wasn’t an easy choice then nor is it now. But it’s women like you who get up everyday and put one foot in front of the other who inspire me to keep going as well. THANK YOU!