Sun
21
Nov '10

When it doesn’t feel enough

I just found out that a dear friend’s mother died.

Dave is one of 2 friends I still have from my “old” life. He believed in me when I decided to resign and has never been more than a text message away. We have laughed and cried, kept each others secrets, talked about everything and anything, and never once felt the need to judge or fix the other person.

I love Dave. But I don’t think I knew just how much until tonight, when I realized that I can do nothing to ease his pain.

And I am devastated.

Feeling lost and useless, I turn to one of the few places I can find comfort. My blog. My other family.

As I write this, I began to understand why I feel so helpless.

I know what it’s like to lose a parent.
I remember what it feels like to move through the details of funeral arrangements. What it’s like to pick out a casket.
I remember standing graveside in the November wind wondering if the pain would ever go away.
I understand what he means, as he wrote on Facebook, “…like someone stole all my tomorrows.”
I know all to well the ache of emptiness when you ask, “Why?” and never get an answer.

And I can’t change any of that for him.

I wish I could be there to hold his hand through it all and let him know what I have learned.

I also know that tomorrow will come.
That while his life will never be the same, he will be OK.
That no amount of time or pain will ever diminish the love he had for his mother. Or the love she had for him.
I know that when 21 years have passed, he will still cry, he will still miss her, he will still feel remember the moment he found out she was gone.
I know that someday “Why?” will turn into “Thank you”, every time he thinks about her.

But all I can do tonight is send my condolences, hold his family in my heart and grieve with and for my friend.

And say, “I love you, Dave. I’m here if you need me.”

19 Comments »

19 Responses to “When it doesn’t feel enough”

  1. Alisha Says:

    So sorry for your loss. My father-in-law passed away a little over a year ago and I remember how difficult it was for me to console my husband…when even though you hurt for them, you can't take the pain away. Wishing you and your friend some peace.
    My recent post I have no fuckin clue

  2. LisaMilesBrady Says:

    Thank you, Angel. Just being able to share my feelings openly has helped me tremendously.

    xoxo

  3. Buzz Buckingham Says:

    Lisa, so beautifully expressed. Dave is lucky to have you.
    My recent post Slowly But Surely – Making Changes &amp The Words of Others

  4. Tex In The City Says:

    Big hugs to both you and Dave.
    My recent post Fat Girl Phyllosophy

  5. @lipdesign Says:

    Sending Dave and you lots and lots of heart energy. What a beautiful post. So touching. He is very lucky to have you as a friend.

  6. LisaMilesBrady Says:

    @Alisha @Buzz @Tex @Lipdesign

    Thank you. It means the world that you have co-created a space with me that is safe for me to grieve. Dave is grateful for your beautiful words as well.

    I love you.

  7. Lori I Paquette Says:

    RT @LisaMilesBrady: When it doesn't feel enough http://bit.ly/gc11js

  8. David N. Beasley Jr. Says:

    Thank you so much Lisa for honoring our friendship and my Mother in this way. As I write this note, my Dad, Aunt and I are on our way from my Mom and Dads house in North Carolina to my Grandmother’s house in New Jersey where my Mom died. We just crossed the Chesapeake Bay Bridge and are in Maryland now. Lisa, I really wanted to believe my parents were indestructible but as I found out Friday, that’s not the reality of life.

    I have gone through many emotions (sad, lonely, angry and alone) but I’ve blessed with so much in the memory of my Mom through the stories that are now being told. I knew her as Mom but the last few days revealed Wife, Sister, Daughter, Aunt, etc and I have seen my view of her blossom. Today or tomorrow I will view her body and try to keep it together. I normally don’t like to view people that have passed but I have to say goodbye to my Mom. The other blessing that’s come from all of this is that I have found out how much I’m loved. I have gotten so much love from friends but what you have done Lisa through this post is the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. Not bad for not liking me at first and we’ve developed a strong bond and love for each other; God knew back when we met that I would need you today.

    So thank you my friend because you have touched me in a way that you can’t imagine. You are a true blessing to me.

    David

  9. LisaMilesBrady Says:

    I wish I could say I don't remember a time that I didn't absolutely adore you, but that would be a lie. 🙂

    I didn't think I'd ever pray that my abilities as an empath could be altered to absorb not just feel. I would do anything to shield you from that emotional rollercoaster you'll be on for awhile, but I can't. So, I did what I could do…write. And try to convey how much you mean to me and that long after the funeral, I'll be here.

    You are surrounded with love & light by people you know and don't know, my friend. When it gets hard, close your eyes and tune in. We'll be there. And so will your mother.

    <3<3<3

  10. Crystal L. Allison Says:

    David, my friend, your Mother loved you unconditionally and she was very proud of you. Take comfort in knowing that she is now in good hands.

    You will have no fear when you see her because she was Mom!

    You have been blessed to have had such a wonderful Mother and great friends that love and support you unconditionally.

    Well said Lisa!

    Your friend,

    Crystal

  11. LisaMilesBrady Says:

    Thank you so much Crystal, for stopping by and sharing your love & support with Dave. Big hugs to you.

  12. Gail McConnon Says:

    I know exactly the feelings you're speaking of. My mother died just a few days before Thanksgiving five years ago. And each Thanksgiving since . . each Thanksgiving that I do my best to make make her turkey stuffing without a recipe . . I'm reminded how very much I miss her. I'm also reminded that her timing really stank . . but I let that pass. Please know that I'm thinking of Dave, and that the loss eventually does get easier. He may not believe it ever will, but it does. Eventually, memories take over and fill in the spaces where the pain now sits. Be good to yourselves.

  13. LisaMilesBrady Says:

    Thank you, Gail. It means so much that you took time to stop and share and honor what we are feeling.

    I am so sorry for your loss. My father died the day after Thanksgiving, 21 years ago, Nov 24. I had no idea how I would get through the next day, much less 21 years. I had an uncle who would honor my dad by making mince meat pie every year (but he had to call my mom for the recipe! 🙂 ) I will raise my fork in memory of your mother as well this holiday.

    Hugs to you, dear Gail. Thank you again for being a part of the Lisa-Unmasked family.

  14. FrankDickinson Says:

    Sending love and light to both of you.
    My recent post Friday Tip- Make Connections

  15. LisaMilesBrady Says:

    Thank you my friend. I love you.

  16. Allison Nazarian Says:

    I hear ya, I lost my mom in 1998 and the pain ebbs and flows but never goes away. I also know what it is like to want so badly to ease someone else's pain, to be better "equipped" to help them, to be the kind of friend they have been for us. But it IS enough to make sure they know we love and support them no matter what, always. We can't control or change most of the other stuff but we can be that for them. You are WONDERFUL friend, daughter and human. Rock on!
    xo

  17. LisaMilesBrady Says:

    ((hugs))

    Thank you, Allison. Funny how that quest to do/be more never seems to go away, even in grief.

    I am sorry that you've experienced the loss of your mother as well. I'm sure she is so very proud of you.

    I can't tell you what it means to have the love & support of this blog community to remind me that we are all in this together. Thank you for being a part of my family.

    #loveyou

  18. Frank Dickinson Says:

    RT @LisaMilesBrady: When it doesn't feel enough http://bit.ly/gc11js

  19. Helen Says:

    Hi Lisa:

    One of the beautiful gifts you can give Dave is to let him know that you are there for him. Three years ago I lost my fantastic husband and was so very grateful for my family and friends who called to say hello and that they loved me.