The unending torture of “not enough”

I was on the phone last night with my best friend, busting her chops about her personal life. I’m good like that. I can always see your shit. Trust me. And I ain’t got no problems calling you on it, either.

Thankfully, she’s the same way and is smart enough to do it in a way that doesn’t piss me off. (Those people are few and far in between!)

She “reminded” me about my book and all the excuses I have for not finishing it. Apparently, she is a fan of my writing.

Why? I ask.

Stupid question.

What does it matter?

I get stuck with my writing.

A LOT.

When I don’t blog on a regular basis it’s because I feel I have nothing of value to say.

Now you know.

I think that in order to be an effective writer, I should write “useful” stuff. Thought-provoking, shit-uncovering, “oooooohhh, how did she know I needed to hear that” kind of stuff.

When I don’t have any of that, I don’t write.  Anywhere.

Not my journal.  Not my blog.  Not even on the back of scrap paper.

Yet writing is the most healing tool I have at my disposal.

Why do I feel the need to always be “on” in order to do the thing that brings me so much joy?

I don’t know.  It’s a vicious cycle and one I’ve been trapped in time and time again.

Writing brings me joy.

And telling the truth is freeing.

So, I made a couple of decisions today.

First, I have to stop writing for you.

I love that I have readers and really enjoy the feedback I get here.  But I can’t write for your approval.  I simply have to write for me.

If you love it or hate it, that’s fine.  Share all you want.  I love getting different perspectives but I no longer seek validation or approval.

Secondly, I’ve decided to get a day job.

The past several years have taken their toll on my psyche and I’m tired of trying to grow my business.  I have failed in ways I never imagined and I’m tired.

Yes, I quit.

I don’t know how long I will last “out there.”  Maybe I just need a change of  scenery to rediscover what it is I thought I wanted.

I just know I can’t keep going on like this.

Most everyone struggles with the demon of “not enough-ness”.  Some compensate for it better than others.  But the effects of it’s poison is always somewhere, whether at work, in your relationships, your health or bank account.

I don’t have an antidote for it.  I wish I did.

For now, I have to find a new way to counteract this poison in my life.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Love,

Lisa