Pissed off at god
Before I went to bed last night, I wrote in my journal that “I hate god” and essentially told god to f- off.
And yes, I woke up alive and well today.
The truth of the matter is that I hate myself.
I hate myself for the drama I’ve created in my life.
I hate myself for believing what other people said about me as TRUTH.
I hate myself for doubting my intuitive abilities and believing that there was something “wrong” with me.
I hate myself for trying to be something I wasn’t, just so others would like me.
I hate myself for spending 15 years at a job that I knew DAY 1 was not a place for me.
And most of all, I hate myself for ever believing that I wasn’t beautiful, magnificent, worthy and perfect JUST AS I AM.
I’ve spent too long living a lie and the pain is almost more than I can bear.
At 43 years old, I am starting over again. In a new place, leaving behind a life of comfort and familiarity.
That comfort and familiarity came at great cost. The price was even higher when I decided I could find it outside of society’s definition of success.
But the price of not hearing my own soul far outweighed the loss of my financial and material stability.
Because I listened so long to others, I don’t know who I am.
And that sucks.
And I’m pissed off. at god. and myself.
I’ve made my life harder than it ever had to be because I drowned out the voice of my soul.
I realize that god doesn’t make life hard. We do. We have been taught that in order to be accepted and approved of by others, including god, we have to do, be or say certain things. If not, we are punished. Rejected, ridiculed, scorned or even condemned to eternal damnation.
C’mon.
Do you think the people telling you that you have to be a certain way don’t have an agenda of their own? Who really benefits from all of the “shoulds” placed on you? I’m not saying there isn’t a place for rules and laws, but perhaps we should spend more time questioning instead of rolling over in compliance believing “they” know more about how we should live our lives than we do.
They don’t. It’s time we stop giving our power away.
And it’s time I stop giving my power away to ANYTHING outside of me. It’s time to get to know ME and listen to the voice of my soul.
That’s what makes life “easy” and it’s the way we are meant to live.
My new “rules”
show up.
trust all is well.
then live like I believe that with every fiber of my being.
Kids do that until we “rule” it out of them. It’s called “play.”
Years and years of following someone else’s rules has left my body severely unbalanced, my sense of humor non-existent, and most importantly, left me hating myself.
god made it easy.
i made it hard.
The time has come to question more and do less. The time has come to examine and re-examine my own beliefs, to see if they are serving my best and highest good. Not someone else’s ego. The time has come to create a life that reflects who I REALLY am and not what anyone else would “approve” of.
It isn’t about them.
THIS IS ABOUT ME.
I encourage you to create your own rules. Trust your own instincts. God wants you to live OUT LOUD in a way that only you can. I cannot express your essence through me. Only you can express you.
And today, I’m going to express me and play.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
pissed off and playing anyway….
lisa
-
Let’s Connect!
glad you are playing…..
and i am so glad you write and share.
i love you
i think you should trademark "pissed off and playing anyway"
Ha! Consider it done!
still
Pissed off and playing anyway™
rock on sistah!
I wonder how it would feel for you to just play … you know, let go of the pissed off part and just enjoy the fun part? Just a thought
oxo
Maybe I will…someday. But whose to say that being pissed off isn’t fun?
Wow, a pissed off sista; I am holding my ground because I know who I am and will not compromise for anyone. These are all the things Lisa I have come to love about you.
When I first read this I got scared but after I kept reading I said, “Okay I know where she’s going with this”. I can relate a bit to being upset with self but just as you’ve gotten me to realize through the book “Radical Forgiveness” every situation and outcome is a blessing; we just need to see it and understand if from that perspective.
One of the hardest versus in the bible for me to understand was to give God thanks for “everything”; good or bad. Now I understood the good but was struggling with the bad. But, we would we be without that. I look at the chances, new discoveries I have in my life now because of an event I thought would negatively scar me for life. Well my life is so much richer for it and I so thank God not just because I see the light but also for being there for me and allowing me to see more of myself as a result.
I am hard on myself but sometimes I have to remind myself that God and other love me not becuase of what I do or who I am but just because “I am”. How awesome is that and to also know God is not done with us and neither are we with him or ourselves. Just think, some people are held hostage and never have the breakthroughs we do. Doesn’t make us better or them worse but it’s about not settling, tapping into the secret and repositioning your life for fulfillment and success. Just as you did when you left Corporate America. I can’t be pissed off at God because he brought you and others into my life and I am a much better man, father and friend because of it.
David
D,
Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetttttttttttttttttt! I got ya’ worried a bit.
I always knew you were a smart man. Watchin’ yourself around a pissed off sistah! I have a terrible temper and I get angry pretty easily. Most people have tried to make me and my anger wrong. I understand it because you never no where one might go with it. Especially a sistah.
This post allowed me to be with my anger. Not judge or make it or me wrong.
Anger allows for movement in my life. It is not until I get angry “enough” will I do those things that will propel me in new directions. I hope someday to have a different catalyst, but today, anger is mine.
We may not become friends had I not gotten angry about how you showed up in my life thru the diversity council. I may have never picked up “Radical Forgiveness” had I not been angered about working for you-know-who.
There is a gift in everything and I am so THRILLED to hear you say that you can see the gifts from your heartbreak.
I may not be able to see what particular gifts are here for me right now nor am I always able to trust that they even exist. What I do know, that anger at myself, God or anything else means that I’m alive and still give a damn.
And that is something to celebrate!
Less pissed off and still playin’…..
The Resident Diva
As for “you-know-who”, just remember, we reap what we sow and his harvest will be sparse and bitter. In fact, it already is.
ED,
Thanks for making me laugh. I am still learning to be OK with my feelings. They are indeed a gift from God.
Let’s send love and light to “you know who.” I’m free to create a new life because of that experience AND decided that I was worthy of love–my love.
The people that treat us the worst are really some of our greatest teachers. I get that now.
My first blog comment EVER! You should feel privileged– ha!!!
I guess my reaction to your posting is that there is a difference between anger and bitterness. Anger can be good, anger can be righteous, anger can be what finally drives us to taking action on something we may otherwise have been too timid to take action on.
But bitterness… bitterness poisons the soul. I told my (now) ex a couple of years ago that I could not see myself spending my golden years with a bitter old man.
So what becomes the tipping point between anger and bitterness? How do you know when your anger is no longer healthy?
Welcome Miss Lisa!
I love the question. What comes to me is this:
Bitterness is the point where one refuses to take any responsibility for what has happened in their lives. You can be angry and understand the part you play. I’m not sure you have access to that realization when bitterness sets in.
I went back and forth between anger and bitterness while I was employed and that’s the difference I see as I reflect back.
Hope you’ll come back. And yes, I feel privileged that you came out to play on my blog first!
Rock on sistah!
Diva
I think the difference between anger and bitterness may be the time frame. When you hold onto anger, eventually, you become bitter. It's not fresh anger, it's old and seasoned bitterness. We can all appreciate a good, hearty anger. Sometimes, it's truly justified. But bitterness is what sets in when you can't move beyond the anger. You let it dwell and ferment and soon it's your daily emotion… a dollop of bitterness in your morning cup of coffee and everything you see is through the veil of soured anger. I think some people even come to "enjoy" the bitter view of the world they see. They forget what life was like before they doused everything with negativity.