Before I went to bed last night, I wrote in my journal that “I hate god” and essentially told god to f- off.
And yes, I woke up alive and well today.
The truth of the matter is that I hate myself.
I hate myself for the drama I’ve created in my life.
I hate myself for believing what other people said about me as TRUTH.
I hate myself for doubting my intuitive abilities and believing that there was something “wrong” with me.
I hate myself for trying to be something I wasn’t, just so others would like me.
I hate myself for spending 15 years at a job that I knew DAY 1 was not a place for me.
And most of all, I hate myself for ever believing that I wasn’t beautiful, magnificent, worthy and perfect JUST AS I AM.
I’ve spent too long living a lie and the pain is almost more than I can bear.
At 43 years old, I am starting over again. In a new place, leaving behind a life of comfort and familiarity.
That comfort and familiarity came at great cost. The price was even higher when I decided I could find it outside of society’s definition of success.
But the price of not hearing my own soul far outweighed the loss of my financial and material stability.
Because I listened so long to others, I don’t know who I am.
And that sucks.
And I’m pissed off. at god. and myself.
I’ve made my life harder than it ever had to be because I drowned out the voice of my soul.
I realize that god doesn’t make life hard. We do. We have been taught that in order to be accepted and approved of by others, including god, we have to do, be or say certain things. If not, we are punished. Rejected, ridiculed, scorned or even condemned to eternal damnation.
Do you think the people telling you that you have to be a certain way don’t have an agenda of their own? Who really benefits from all of the “shoulds” placed on you? I’m not saying there isn’t a place for rules and laws, but perhaps we should spend more time questioning instead of rolling over in compliance believing “they” know more about how we should live our lives than we do.
They don’t. It’s time we stop giving our power away.
And it’s time I stop giving my power away to ANYTHING outside of me. It’s time to get to know ME and listen to the voice of my soul.
That’s what makes life “easy” and it’s the way we are meant to live.
My new “rules”
trust all is well.
then live like I believe that with every fiber of my being.
Kids do that until we “rule” it out of them. It’s called “play.”
Years and years of following someone else’s rules has left my body severely unbalanced, my sense of humor non-existent, and most importantly, left me hating myself.
god made it easy.
i made it hard.
The time has come to question more and do less. The time has come to examine and re-examine my own beliefs, to see if they are serving my best and highest good. Not someone else’s ego. The time has come to create a life that reflects who I REALLY am and not what anyone else would “approve” of.
It isn’t about them.
THIS IS ABOUT ME.
I encourage you to create your own rules. Trust your own instincts. God wants you to live OUT LOUD in a way that only you can. I cannot express your essence through me. Only you can express you.
And today, I’m going to express me and play.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
pissed off and playing anyway….