On Silence, Writing Sober and Loving Myself
Photo credit - Lori Paquette
I don’t want to be the girl that has to fill the silence…
The quiet scares me ’cause it screams the truth.~ Lyrics from “Sober” by P!nk
I had come to terms with the silence on my blog.
I was comfortable in not needing to fill the space.
I was lying to myself.
(Again.)
I haven’t written these past few months because my life was in upheaval.
We bought a house, only to find out 6 days after we closed that we were going to have to sell it.
The summer months were filled with drama brought on by my husband’s relocation out of state.
The summer ended with my husband settling 600 miles away while I stayed behind to support our daughter with her 2nd year of school.
We made a difficult choice and I was tired, angry and just plain sad.
I told myself that writing about it here would only come across as complaining.
I told myself that I didn’t want to bore you with the details.
I told myself that it was better to keep my fucked up summer to myself.
I refused to fill the silence here with my pain.
And I felt justified.
A few weeks ago while attending my first business event called Creating Irresistible Presence (hosted by the incomparable, Sarah Robinson), I stood in front of some incredible men and women and declared…
There is NOTHING wrong with you.
I felt like I’d found my platform. My voice.
I was gonna come home and write about it.
But…
The words didn’t come.
Only that line, “I don’t want to be the girl that has to fill the silence…”
So I didn’t.
And out of the silence came this realization: I had stopped writing because I was making myself…WRONG.
I am WRONG because I write…
From
my
PAIN.
I wish I could write from that place of sunshine and roses (i.e. “sober”)
It’s not that I live in deep, dark depression all the time.
It’s just that my TRUTH, my LESSONS (for now) become clearer, somehow, in the darkness.
“Crazy,” some would say. (Sorry. Could resist a little Duran Duran there. 
)
As I sat with this notion, I was invited by the Universe to take another look at Persephone, the Goddess whose qualities I embody. The Uni reminded me about my experience at CIP when a delightful hand analyst, Lori Latimer, looked at my hands and (shocker!) said I had a Persephone line in my hands. I was led to this blog post about what a Persephone line in my hands means:
When Persephone returns from the underworld, she returns with a healing gift. ~ Jocelyne @ Core Vitality.
Hmmm…
This blog was born out of pain. My time in the underworld, if you will.
And many of you have graciously told me how it has helped you heal because it has opened new perspectives.
Never have you judged where my lessons come from.
Only expressions of gratitude for my willingness to share what I’ve learned in the darkness.
Now that should have been enough to bring me running back to the blog, right?
But it didn’t. Not even after I tweeted this a few days ago: There is nothing wrong with YOUR process. Stop making yourself wrong for how you *deal.” It’s f*ckin’ perfect. #cutthecrap
Yet here I was, making myself, my journey, my own creative process…WRONG.
So, the Universe did what she often does when I fail to “get it” in grace. She delivered a drop-to-my-knees, kick-in-the-gut today, this time while I was goofing around on Facebook.
While reading some comments on a friend’s wall, all of a sudden, I was “greeted” by a picture of someone I once knew and deeply loved.
Instantly, I was overcome with grief and my quiet surfing erupted into breathless sobs and guttural screams of “NOOOOOOOOO! Not THIS! Not AGAIN!“
As my Facebook friends came running with support and virtual hugs (thank you!), the next line of P!nk’s song came to mind…
“The quiet scares me ’cause it screams the truth.”
As I held myself, trying to keep from vomiting as I relived the pain of the moment my relationship ended with this person, my first instinct was to…WRITE.
Yes, WRITE.
And just like that, I got the truth of what the Uni had been trying to tell me for months.
There is nothing wrong with how I share my healing gifts.
I don’t have to write “sober”…for now.
I just need to WRITE.
And love myself in the process.
What about you? What about yourself are you willing to make RIGHT? (Share your thoughts below, PLEASE! )
29 Responses to “On Silence, Writing Sober and Loving Myself”
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I'm glad to be back here, Lisa, listening to you write out loud. Every writer has her own writing process. And there is nothing right or wrong about anyone's process. It is what it is. That's not to say we don't sometimes wish our process was different. I do all the time, mainly because I haven't found confidence in my process or myself as a writer. But I will. And I figure about the time I get comfy with all that, my writing process will change, my writing will change, and I'll be fucking scared and doubting myself all over again. But that's what keeps it interesting, right?
An intriguing question you pose. "What about yourself are you willing to make right?" I'm not there yet, but I would really, really, really like to be willing to make me being a late bloomer right instead of agonizing over all the time I've "wasted" and how little time I have left to bloom.
I love you, Coach!
@Sally_G reminded me on Twitter the other day that we expect Time to be different, when it is indeed PERFECT. Every moment you are ARRIVING. Whether at 24 or 64, you are right on time. #ipromise
Let's continue to remind each other to honor our process, ok? I think that simple act will change our writing in ways we only imagine.
xo
YES!! "There is nothing wrong with you." Lucky me to have witnessed this riveting moment at CIP. You have the most wonderful gift of helping others reframe and shift perspective to discover the right (write) in us. Thank you for sharing your brilliant words once again.
CIP was not possible without you, Lori. Thank you for insisting that I go and…GROW.
<3<3<3
A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.!!! Thank you, Lisa, for once again inspiring us, reminding us that there is nothing wrong with us, that we're not broken, that what we have to offer the world is good and important and worthy. I soooo wish I'd recorded at least the audio of what you said at CIP … I'd listen to it every morning before my feet hit the ground.
Love you and your amazing, resilient, courageous spirit.
My Dana Angel,
Thank YOU!
I used to hate the word "resilient". It meant to me that I had struggled and frankly would have preferred not to have had to move through sh*t.
But now, as I connect with more beautiful souls like you, it has a different connotation. While I may have lost hope, got frustrated, failed miserably, was laughed at and dismissed, I still got up (eventually) and took another step forward. Thank YOU, Angel, for seeing that quality in me as I too, see it in YOU.
#lovehavingyouinmylife
<3<3<3
Wow. Just wow. This is really . . . something. I know this feeling. I live this. Like you, I write from my darkness. Which bothers me because I want to be light and share light. And so I've struggled with my writing this year because despite all the wonderful things that are happening in my life, on balance things have been really, really rough. And dark, at times. But maybe, just maybe, writing about the darkness helps me into the light. Sharing the darkness lightens the load somehow. And now I realize . . . thanks to you . . . that's ok. You are awesome. Thank you.
My recent post Who do I think I am?
So glad to "see" you again, Jessica! Thanks for taking the time to stop by and share. <3
It means so much that this struck a chord with you. So many of us are afraid of letting others see our darkness, but it's one way light comes in, yes?
You have so much to say, so many lessons to share. Your voice is so important. If your wisdom comes from the darkness, let's not judge that anymore. I think we are meant to share what we've learned on this journey with each other. And like you said, maybe writing about the darkness helps bring you (and others) into the light. That's a gift, my dear.
As my coach Carol Hess would say, "Write On!"
<3
Wow! SOOO glad I saw this. For several reasons, I also had a summer from hell and am doing my own climb back up from the underground. In fact, I just deliberately took a week off to try to get my mojo back. The rest was nice, but I am still waiting on its return
.
Thanks so much for validating my experience while you were writing about your own! And sharing that link. I have the same line on my hands.
Always good to see you, Lisa!
Jeanine
My recent post Fall Capsule Wardrobe: Tuesday
Of course you have a Persephone line.
Why do you think we connected?lol
So glad to see you, my dear. I am sorry about your "summer from hell". I'm starting to think (as I heard privately from a few others) that many of us intuitives had to process something this summer to get ready for another shift. Just a hunch, but I'm going with it.
Let your mojo get the rest it needs. I have a funny feeling when it returns, we'd all better watch out.
Always love seeing YOU! <3
Lisa, when I saw a new post (finally!) this morning I was excited and a little scared. Excited to see that you are writing and sharing again; I always gain from your insight. But, scared that you might be announcing that this is the end to your blog; I think you may have mentioned/threatened this before. In the end, I am relieved to find that your honesty outshines your need to please others and do what is 'expected'.
Writing from your pain is cathartic, necessary, and authentic. I get the most insight into myself when someone reaches into the depths of their soul (their 'darkness' if you will) and reveals their 'guts' for all to see. Light and fluff is not what you are about.
You are back and I love it; I love you!
My recent post Imparting Wisdom
#loveyouback
I really love this, Pam:
"I get the most insight into myself when someone reaches into the depths of their soul (their 'darkness' if you will) and reveals their 'guts' for all to see."
I have to same experience. In fact, in makes me feel more connected than ever.
BTW…so proud of you for tackling #NaNoWriMo. Can't wait to read your masterpiece!
I have been steeped in judgment lately (and beating myself up for it) – making everyone around me (and even myself) as wrong as possible, which feels like shit by the way. And today, after reading your latest does of heart felt insight, i think maybe i just need to ease up a little and get ok with those bitchy days.
One of your greatest gifts to me has always been to give me permission to be – however i am in the moment. I so appreciate you Lisa and I, for one, am glad you're back.
Loved talking about this with you the other day. No doubt, all the judgment feels like crap, yet you are so open and willing to learn from it. I've always admired that about you.
Keep being YOU, my friend. Bitchy days & all!
#loveyou
<3<3<3
Hi, there! Long time no yak, but been with ya in Spirit.
This post of yours is confirmation for me. I've been hearing the exact same message for a few days, amidst my own wrestling of HOW to do what I am to do: Don't hide your pain. Share it. That way, you'll make it okay for others to feel the way they feel, and when they become okay with it, healing can begin … for everybody.
It's hard but necessary, so thanks for the reminder. You're a COURAGEOUS WARRIOR ANGEL. Don't ever forget that.
What a wonderful surprise to see you here, Julie!
Thank YOU for letting me know that this was a confirmation of something you've been hearing. I am asking for signs about my own work (you know how I feel about my angels, lol) and am so encouraged to hear that this meant something to you (and others).
Please don't let your fear of sharing your pain stop you. You are so amazingly gifted. WE NEED YOU. NOW.
Bring all of YOU to the table and I promise you, you'll change the world.
<3<3<3
LISA,
YOUR VOICE WILL ALWAYS MATTER. YOUR VOICE IS ALWAYS RIGHT. HAVING VOICE DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE GOING TO AGREE WITH EVERYONE OR THEY WITH YOU.
JOY & PAIN; LIKE SUNSHINE & RAIN WE NEED THEM BOTH
I LOVE YOUR VOICE. IT MAKES A SOUND OF LOVE FOR SELF. AND EVEN WHEN THEIR IS SILENCE IN YOUR VOICE, I LOVE YOUR VOICE.
AMETIA