I don’t want to be the girl that has to fill the silence…
The quiet scares me ’cause it screams the truth.
~ Lyrics from “Sober” by P!nk
I had come to terms with the silence on my blog.
I was comfortable in not needing to fill the space.
I was lying to myself.
I haven’t written these past few months because my life was in upheaval.
We bought a house, only to find out 6 days after we closed that we were going to have to sell it.
The summer months were filled with drama brought on by my husband’s relocation out of state.
The summer ended with my husband settling 600 miles away while I stayed behind to support our daughter with her 2nd year of school.
We made a difficult choice and I was tired, angry and just plain sad.
I told myself that writing about it here would only come across as complaining.
I told myself that I didn’t want to bore you with the details.
I told myself that it was better to keep my fucked up summer to myself.
I refused to fill the silence here with my pain.
And I felt justified.
A few weeks ago while attending my first business event called Creating Irresistible Presence (hosted by the incomparable, Sarah Robinson), I stood in front of some incredible men and women and declared…
There is NOTHING wrong with you.
I felt like I’d found my platform. My voice.
I was gonna come home and write about it.
The words didn’t come.
Only that line, “I don’t want to be the girl that has to fill the silence…”
So I didn’t.
And out of the silence came this realization: I had stopped writing because I was making myself…WRONG.
I am WRONG because I write…
I wish I could write from that place of sunshine and roses (i.e. “sober”)
It’s not that I live in deep, dark depression all the time.
It’s just that my TRUTH, my LESSONS (for now) become clearer, somehow, in the darkness.
“Crazy,” some would say. (Sorry. Could resist a little Duran Duran there. 🙂 )
As I sat with this notion, I was invited by the Universe to take another look at Persephone, the Goddess whose qualities I embody. The Uni reminded me about my experience at CIP when a delightful hand analyst, Lori Latimer, looked at my hands and (shocker!) said I had a Persephone line in my hands. I was led to this blog post about what a Persephone line in my hands means:
When Persephone returns from the underworld, she returns with a healing gift. ~ Jocelyne @ Core Vitality.
This blog was born out of pain. My time in the underworld, if you will.
And many of you have graciously told me how it has helped you heal because it has opened new perspectives.
Never have you judged where my lessons come from.
Only expressions of gratitude for my willingness to share what I’ve learned in the darkness.
Now that should have been enough to bring me running back to the blog, right?
Yet here I was, making myself, my journey, my own creative process…WRONG.
So, the Universe did what she often does when I fail to “get it” in grace. She delivered a drop-to-my-knees, kick-in-the-gut today, this time while I was goofing around on Facebook.
While reading some comments on a friend’s wall, all of a sudden, I was “greeted” by a picture of someone I once knew and deeply loved.
Instantly, I was overcome with grief and my quiet surfing erupted into breathless sobs and guttural screams of “NOOOOOOOOO! Not THIS! Not AGAIN!“
As my Facebook friends came running with support and virtual hugs (thank you!), the next line of P!nk’s song came to mind…
“The quiet scares me ’cause it screams the truth.”
As I held myself, trying to keep from vomiting as I relived the pain of the moment my relationship ended with this person, my first instinct was to…WRITE.
And just like that, I got the truth of what the Uni had been trying to tell me for months.
There is nothing wrong with how I share my healing gifts.
I don’t have to write “sober”…for now.
I just need to WRITE.
And love myself in the process.