Needy no more

I had a breakthrough of sorts today as I begin to move forward in restructuring my business.  As is usually the case, Paul, my greatest teacher, showed up in my thoughts to facilitate my learning.

I was frustrated by this “reappearance” but I know that resisting it only creates more drama.  So, I got curious and reached out to a friend for support.

Her question:  What do you still need from him?

Nothing.

I suddenly felt freer than I ever have.  And then I realized that “need” is what has kept me tied to him so long.   I needed him to be different than he was.  To show up for me in a way that served me.

And as long as I needed him to change, to be different that he WAS, the drama would remain.  (And it did for over 20 years!)

Hmm…

I then began to examine my other relationships.

I’ve never needed my husband.   I love being around him.  I feel better when he’s around.  His presence enhances my life-always has.  But I don’t need him to be anything other than who he is.  Perhaps that’s why we’ve been so happy for 21 years.

As I looked around at my closest friendships, I could see the same pattern.  I am surrounded by people who enhance my life.  I need nothing from them and feel blessed by their presence. I like who they are and wouldn’t change a thing about them.

Every relationship I’ve had that “failed” was just the opposite.  I was looking for something from those people.  When they gave it to me, life was great.  When they withdrew what I needed, things got dicey.  I became angry/defensive/manipulative/obsessed/depressed.    I had lost sight of the fact that I am complete–just as I am–and I need nothing from another being to make me feel whole. When I put those demands on someone, the relationship is doomed.

It’s true that we all want to feel needed by someone else.  We may feel our existence validated when someone needs us.  But to be the person who is needed is a LOT of pressure.  What if I disappoint?  What if I can’t deliver what you need from me whenever you need it? (Talk about performance anxiety!)

It’s easy to see why people become resentful in a relationship.  The demands of the other may simply become to great a burden to bear.   Breakdown, in one way or the other, is inevitable.

You need nothing and no one outside of you to complete you.  You are whole–as you are–NOW.

I invite you to take a look at the things and people in your life that fulfill a “need” you have.  If that person, job, etc. were to disappear, what would you be left with?  Would you feel a void?  Why?

If something in your life is filling a perceived need, ask how you can fill the need yourself?  For example, if your home provides a feeling of security, how you could you give yourself the feeling of security?

I’ve learned the hard way, NOTHING is permanent.  Everything in your life can be gone in an instant.  But I know now that my sense of worth, value and security come from within. If I need to be heard, I listen to myself.  If I need love, I ask, “how can I show love to myself today?”

As a business owner, I see that this is a great way to show up in the world.  I don’t NEED a client to provide anything to me.   I know how to give to myself.  I know that I am complete as I am and I know that my client is complete and whole as they are.  Without the need to change or fix them, I can serve from a place of love. Our relationship can be life-enhancing, not draining.  Now that’s client attractive.

What would your life be like if you were “needy no more”?

Love and hugs,

Lisa