I Wish You Were Dead (or 5 things to do when you are triggered)
8.9.10
I just wanted to write that. 
Several people from my past have birthdays today.
Thinking about them makes me happy. They were people that definitely enriched my life. I am grateful for their friendship.
And yet I am sad that I no longer speak with any one of them on a regular basis. But like I discovered today, I can pick up right where we left off.
With all but one.
And that just blows for me.
People come and go. I get that.
And yet you know that I totally suck at letting go.
And here’s the epiphany…
(wait for it)
Letting go means… I LOST.
And when I “lose”, I don’t think highly of the “victor.”
In fact, I often wish they were dead.
(Geesh… I am a piece of work!)
But I know you understand.
Even when we want to be all loving and spiritual and evolved, sometimes it just feels better to wish the people that hurt or disappointed us would just drop dead and burn in hell.
(That felt so good to say out loud. Thank you.)
There was a time when I would go on a guilt trip for feeling this way. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be more loving…forgiving…perfect?
Yada, yada, yada.
And then one day, I learned that having those feelings was perfectly “normal” and a gift to help me grow into the person I really want to be.
So, what do you do when someone sets you off?
- Would you love to take a “Louisville slugger to both headlights” of their “pretty lil’ souped-up 4wheel drive”? (like in the Carrie Underwood song)
- Would you’d love to just scratch their eyeballs out? (cat fight!)
- Do you just wish you’d never met them?
Here’s what I discovered works best for me.
1. Breathe
Seriously, just stop for a moment and take a breath. This stops the cycle of hate from spinning out of control and you saying or doing something you just might regret. (my insurance frowned a bit on the baseball bat incident.)
2. Smile
This is sort of my personal “thank you” message to the Universe. Like, “Oh, yeah. I”m going there. Thanks for reminding me I have a choice.”
3. Ask yourself, “What is this really about?”
Face it. You’re hurt. You feel taken advantage of, slighted, mistreated (for whatever reason )and that makes you feel stupid, weak, (fill in the blank). That’s OK.
Give those feelings room. Just like with fear, they won’t go away, even with all the years of practice you have stuffing them down. Allow them the light they are seeking. If you need to journal, do so. If a walk sounds better, do it. Me? I (what?)….BLOG. Just give those feelings space.
4. Give Thanks
I often overlook the importance of gratitude when I am triggered. But the fact that I am an emotional creature is such a gift to me. Emotions are the juice of life and I don’t believe that any emotion is “negative.” It’s like a reminder that I’m alive and for that I am grateful.
You also are giving thanks for the trigger. Let’s face it, if someone makes you crazy, they must have mattered at some point. How cool is that? You love(d) and care(d) about them and human connection is something we all crave. Give thanks for that experience.
5. Decide who you want to be NOW
I decided I wanted to be a healer…for myself. The best way for me to do so, is to step into trust and be open about how I was feeling. It would have been easy to blog about something else, but that would have been hiding from you. If I am going to teach self-trust, I have to honor my emotions in the moment. Emotional authenticity is critical to how I show up fully in the world. Who I want to be now is…REAL. A self-trusting warrior-priestess.
What about you?
Now, of course, I wish this were a once and done exercise.
But it isn’t.
So, rinse and repeat.
For tomorrow or next week, there will be something else to set you off.
And we’ll both be ready.
==================================================================
What do you do when you are triggered? What gets you back in the groove? Please SHARE so we can all learn!
Photo credit: djcodrin
20 Responses to “I Wish You Were Dead (or 5 things to do when you are triggered)”
Comments
Read below or add a comment...
Give it to me...
-
Let’s Connect!
Lisa, I had to read this post twice. First, I ruminated over the few people who have hurt me to the point where I still get a rise of anger when I think of their ill will. Second, I digested your suggestions for how to cope with this emotion that leaves me a victim and them, somehow, victorious. Your point about how letting go puts me in the position of loser and them somehow a winner resonates deeply with me. It irks me that they hold the power because they can trigger such an emotional response from me.
How do I cope? Well, obviously, if I had the answers I wouldn't be in this position. But, I know that writing, for me, has been the most affordable source of therapy and self-reflection. It helps me sort out my feelings and my interpretation of events. Reading your blog helps me consider my opinions and reactions. Thanks for asking the probing questions.
I so understand that, Pam.
When I realized that I looked at it as a "win-lose" proposition, I was floored. No wonder I'm freakin' triggered!! Who wants to feel like a LOSER?
"They" or the situation doesn't hold any more power than what you give it. What writing does for me (and it sounds like for you) is make me aware of where my power "leaks" are. I am not always successful in plugging the holes, but I at least know they are there. And that I can do something about them, when I am ready.
I'm so glad you are here, growing with me like in the old days. "Thru thick and thin."
#loveyou
I so identify with this. It's even harder when the people you're mad at is family. I may have to print this off. It's a wonderful post. Thanks for being so honest.
My recent post Why I’m not having children
Welcome, dear Shawna!
Oh yes, much harder when it is family. Jessica (@Slackermomspeak) wrote about that on her blog so maybe something in the air. LOL! I think I need to add another step that I discovered over the last 24 hours: Go to the love before you respond.
So glad you found the post helpful. Do come back often. I'll be lurking on your blog for sure. Your last post was brilliant! Way to UNMASK!
Awesome post!! I love that you give us permission to wish for the Louisville slugger. And challenge us to find the feelings underneath and tend to them so we can feel better!____Glad to have discovered you here! ~~Jeanine
Thank you, Jeanine!
So do you own a Louisville slugger? Just want to be prepared.
One of the best techniques I learned from my "crazy" coach (the one who used to open her windows in the dead of winter to invite fear in) was to give my feelings space. Allow them to be, observe then and watch them magically move on.
God gifted me with the ability to feel emotions deeply AND then sent me more emotionally unavailable men than any one person should attract, just for the contrast. By watching them, I saw first-hand the dangers of stuffing emotions down. Heart attacks, cancer, anger issues, inability to maintain close relationships and so on.
Let those puppies out to breathe!!! (And use the baseball when necessary.:) )
Glad you are here!
This is so great, Lisa, especially this "Give those feelings room. Just like with fear, they won’t go away, even with all the years of practice you have stuffing them down. Allow them the light they are seeking." I love your checklist … need to work on #3 myself.
and as you heal yourself, you heal others in the process. Love you!
Lori
Hey Flirty girl!
So glad you found the checklist helpful. #3 is tough I think, because culturally we are taught not to really feel our emotions. And guess what? They ALWAYS find a way out. I've discovered it's much easier to give them the room and attention they need because…well, if I don't, I'd have a lot more Carrie Underwood experiences with that damn bat.
It takes practice. And a willingness. And you have that. And a friend who is always here to help you through them.
And thank you for the feedback. I don't often remember that in my own healing process I could actually be helping others. ( As I hear my bff say -DUH! That's what healer's do.)
#loveyou
Too many things trigger me but I listen to music to get me back into my groove.
The rap artist The D.O.C has a song called Funky Enough in which the lead into the hook says, " and I let it play til Dre says it's funky enough!" He's speaking of rapper/producer Dr Dre.
In MY very active imaginary world Dr Dre is my skrink and we have conversations that go like this:
Dr. Dre: Tex, I'll be ok
Tex: But Dr. Dre how can you be sure?"
Dr. Dre: 'CAUSE DRE SAYS IT'S FUNKY ENOUGH! (And then we dance to song)
It's so silly and stupid but it always reminds me to just let things play out and it always gives me giggles. So when I am in a "funk" I put on my "Slap Happy" playlist and let it play 'til Dre says it's funky enough. Word!
(I checked the lyrics and I don't THINK there is anything questionable in there but you only have to watch the first 90 sec to hear what I am talking about.)
[youtube UiPbeIXZpD4 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UiPbeIXZpD4 youtube]
Thanks for sharing this Tex! And the tip.
Music is a big part of how I get it back together. I love the visual of you sitting down with Dr. Dre.
And it's Not silly or stupid. It's brilliant.
Why?
Because it WORKS FOR YOU.
And that's all that matters.
Thank you so much for sharing this. And I'll remember, "Is it funky enough?" and smile, giving a silent shout out to my girl, Tex.
Oh my goodness! It's soooo much harder when it's family. Hi! I found you through blog frog. I can relate so much to your blog!
My recent post Question Of The Day
Welcome Ms. Dee Dee! Thank YOU for taking the time to stop by and share.
Oh yes, family can sure work those 2 nerves I have left.
One of the best books I've ever read was called "Radical Forgiveness" by Colin Tipping. In the book, he introduces the concept that no one does anything *to* you, but *for* you.
That was a huge shift for me.
So, the next time a family member triggers you, use the tips if you find them useful, but perhaps ponder what by triggering you, is this person hoping to give you? In other words, why would you need this trigger? How will it bring you closer to the person you want to become.
Hope that helps. And thank YOU for stopping by. I hope you'll share often.
Ooooh, good post! I know exactly what you mean about the feeling of loss/losing and animosity towards the victor though I've never thought of it in exactly those terms (but it makes such perfect sense–definitely clicking!).
The last time I felt that way I turned a completely unrelated project into a little art therapy
It helped work out the frustrations big time!
My recent post arts 14 and 15- Flower Fun!
Welcome to Lisa-Unmasked, Jennifer! Thank you for taking the time to stop by and share.
I'm glad the post resonated with me. I'd never really thought about it as a win/lose proposition until I sat down to write the post. When it showed up on paper I was floored. Given how competitive I can be at times, it made perfect sense to me.
Just the sound of art therapy feels so juicy and magical to me. I wish I could be creative in that way(I do color!
) , but if art therapy involves anything sharp when I'm triggered, it's best I stick to writing. 
Hope you'll come by often, Ms. Scraps.
Thank you so much for this blog it meant alot to me, my childs father told me he wish i die and he would party a whole week. Now i understand why he feels these way he feels he lost and he hates to lose at anything he feesl ive hurt him and disappointed him. Ive searched the internet 3hours searching on why he would say such mean things to me now i see why.
Oh, Kisha. I am so sorry that you were at the receiving end of such a comment.
And I'm so glad that something about this post helped you find some peace. Thank you for taking the time to share your comment.
It's hard to stay in a place of love when people say such hurtful things, isn't it? Kudos to you for looking for a way to understand his perspective, even in some small way..
Big hugs to you, Kisha.