Full Circle

Funny thing happens whenever I ACCEPT the call to write.

Words come.

Fast and furious.

I have no less than 4 posts clamoring for attention.

I can’t keep them all straight in my head. (No, I am NOT complaining! )

This isn’t the story that I planned to tell today. But it’s the one that won.

*******

 

The sense of peace I felt when I woke up enveloped me like the cozy flannel sheets I was wrapped up in.

Unlike many dreams, I awoke from this one knowing exactly where I was and no doubts on what the dream meant.

I was at the 25th class reunion as a guest of my first 2 college roommates.  I was standing in the lower hallway of the main building on campus, where I’d spent far too much time people watching, staring at some breathtaking artwork.

I looked to my left.

There he was.

Approaching me.

There was no place to go.

And I didn’t want to run.

It was a conversation I knew I was ready to have.

The awkward pleasantries soon unfolded into an apology.

I didn’t need one.

I accepted it, graciously, but felt that we both needed to be clear about something.

There was nothing to apologize for.

While he could take responsibility for his actions, I had to take responsibility for my reactions.

I alone was responsible for my feelings.

My pain was my own.

It always had been.

As I listened to him speak, I realized that I wasn’t really there.

He noticed it too.

“The connection is gone, isn’t it?” he whispered.

I searched my body for an answer.

It was not a question to be answered without deep consideration. The connection, a “cosmic” one he once called it, had bound us for some 25+ years. Personally, I’d come to believe it spanned multiple lifetimes.

In a blink of an eye, I had a Matrix moment. If you’ve seen the movie, you remember when Neo was “disconnected” after taking the red pill? Remember all of those lines coming out of his body rather violently?

That’s what was happening to me.

I won’t tell you it didn’t hurt but I really wasn’t that aware of the pain. Just this sort of queasy feeling as I still was a bit unsure of what was going on.

I guess I took a little too long to answer, because he started talking again.

I couldn’t hear him.

I mean, I knew he was talking to me. I could hear words. But nothing was making sense.

Yet for some reason, I responded, “What you have to say no longer matters.”

BOOM.

The last chord popped from my just below my heart space.

Suddenly I was transported back to the porch of his dorm, October 1985, watching him say those same words to the sobbing me.

His “spirit” followed me there.

I stepped into my 20 year old self. The tears stopped. I could feel this power rising up. I looked down and saw the shattered pieces of my heart. I picked them up.

EVERY. LAST. SHARD.

Somehow I was loving every moment of the process, actually smiling for some reason.

And with all the love and compassion I could offer, looked at him and said, “What you have to say no longer matters. It really never did. I had just forgotten that what I thought about me mattered more. Thank you.”

And with that, I woke up.

Complete.

I’d come full circle.

*******

Sometimes you have to live the illusion that someone has taken something away from you only to realize that you actually gave it away.

You can always get it back.

It’s YOUR power. Go (re)claim it.

*******

What are you willing to bring full circle today?

Please let me know how I can help.

Been there. Done that. Love YOU.