Truth is, I’m not sure if I have the words.  But Alice Walker, the award winning author of The Color Purple, voiced many of the thoughts I’ve been having about the Obamas since the election.

Many thanks to my dear mentor and friend, coach and author Mary McHenry, for taking some time out of her busy schedule to share this with me.

Open Letter to Barack Obama from Alice Walker
Nov. 5, 2008

Dear Brother Obama,

You have no idea, really, of how profound this moment is for us. Us being the black people of the Southern United States. You think you know, because you are thoughtful, and you have studied our history. But seeing you deliver the torch so many others before you carried, year after year, decade after decade, century after century, only to be struck down before igniting the flame of justice and of law, is almost more than the heart can bear. And yet, this observation is not intended to burden you, for you are of a different time, and, indeed, because of all the relay runners before you, North America is a different place. It is really only to say: Well done.

We knew, through all the generations, that you were with us, in us, the best of the spirit of Africa and of the Americas. Knowing this, that you would actually appear, someday, was part of our strength. Seeing you take your rightful place, based solely on your wisdom, stamina and character, is a balm for the weary warriors of hope, previously only sung about.

I would advise you to remember that you did not create the disaster that the world is experiencing, and you alone are not responsible for bringing the world back to balance. A primary responsibility that you do have, however, is to cultivate happiness in your own life. To make a schedule that permits sufficient time of rest and play with your gorgeous wife and lovely daughters. And so on. One gathers that your family is large. We are used to seeing men in the White House soon become juiceless and as white-haired as the building; we notice their wives and children looking strained and stressed. They soon have smiles so lacking in joy that they remind us of scissors. This is no way to lead. Nor does your family deserve this fate.

One way of thinking about all this is: It is so bad now that there is no excuse not to relax. From your happy, relaxed state, you can model real success, which is all that so many people in the world really want. They may buy endless cars and houses and furs and gobble up all the attention and space they can manage, or barely manage, but this is because it is not yet clear to them that success is truly an inside job. That it is within the reach of almost everyone.

I would further advise you not to take on other people’s enemies. Most damage that others do to us is out of fear, humiliation and pain. Those feelings occur in all of us, not just in those of us who profess a certain religious or racial devotion. We must learn actually not to have enemies, but only confused adversaries who are ourselves in disguise. It is understood by all that you are commander in chief of the United States and are sworn to protect our beloved country; this we understand, completely. However, as my mother used to say, quoting a Bible with which I often fought, “hate the sin, but love the sinner.” There must be no more crushing of whole communities, no more torture, no more dehumanizing as a means of ruling a people’s spirit. This has already happened to people of color, poor people, women, children. We see where this leads, where it has led.

A good model of how to “work with the enemy” internally is presented by the Dalai Lama, in his endless caretaking of his soul as he confronts the Chinese government that invaded Tibet. Because, finally, it is the soul that must be preserved, if one is to remain a credible leader. All else might be lost; but when the soul dies, the connection to earth, to peoples, to animals, to rivers, to mountain ranges, purple and majestic, also dies. And your smile, with which we watch you do gracious battle with unjust characterizations, distortions and lies, is that expression of healthy self-worth, spirit and soul, that, kept happy and free and relaxed, can find an answering smile in all of us, lighting our way, and brightening the world.

We are the ones we have been waiting for.

In Peace and Joy,
Alice Walker

Let us remember to keep our focus on the best in each other.

With love,

Lisa

I was frustrated by this “reappearance” but I know that resisting it only creates more drama.  So, I got curious and reached out to a friend for support.

Her question:  What do you still need from him?

Nothing.

I suddenly felt freer than I ever have.  And then I realized that “need” is what has kept me tied to him so long.   I needed him to be different than he was.  To show up for me in a way that served me.

And as long as I needed him to change, to be different that he WAS, the drama would remain.  (And it did for over 20 years!)

Hmm…

I then began to examine my other relationships.

I’ve never needed my husband.   I love being around him.  I feel better when he’s around.  His presence enhances my life-always has.  But I don’t need him to be anything other than who he is.  Perhaps that’s why we’ve been so happy for 21 years.

As I looked around at my closest friendships, I could see the same pattern.  I am surrounded by people who enhance my life.  I need nothing from them and feel blessed by their presence. I like who they are and wouldn’t change a thing about them.

Every relationship I’ve had that “failed” was just the opposite.  I was looking for something from those people.  When they gave it to me, life was great.  When they withdrew what I needed, things got dicey.  I became angry/defensive/manipulative/obsessed/depressed.    I had lost sight of the fact that I am complete–just as I am–and I need nothing from another being to make me feel whole. When I put those demands on someone, the relationship is doomed.

It’s true that we all want to feel needed by someone else.  We may feel our existence validated when someone needs us.  But to be the person who is needed is a LOT of pressure.  What if I disappoint?  What if I can’t deliver what you need from me whenever you need it? (Talk about performance anxiety!)

It’s easy to see why people become resentful in a relationship.  The demands of the other may simply become to great a burden to bear.   Breakdown, in one way or the other, is inevitable.

You need nothing and no one outside of you to complete you.  You are whole–as you are–NOW.

I invite you to take a look at the things and people in your life that fulfill a “need” you have.  If that person, job, etc. were to disappear, what would you be left with?  Would you feel a void?  Why?

If something in your life is filling a perceived need, ask how you can fill the need yourself?  For example, if your home provides a feeling of security, how you could you give yourself the feeling of security?

I’ve learned the hard way, NOTHING is permanent.  Everything in your life can be gone in an instant.  But I know now that my sense of worth, value and security come from within. If I need to be heard, I listen to myself.  If I need love, I ask, “how can I show love to myself today?”

As a business owner, I see that this is a great way to show up in the world.  I don’t NEED a client to provide anything to me.   I know how to give to myself.  I know that I am complete as I am and I know that my client is complete and whole as they are.  Without the need to change or fix them, I can serve from a place of love. Our relationship can be life-enhancing, not draining.  Now that’s client attractive.

What would your life be like if you were “needy no more”?

Love and hugs,

Lisa

Tim Wise, a self-described “angry white male”,  was recently introduced to me by a dear friend.  Over the next few posts, I will be sharing some of his views.

It’s time for us all to THINK.  Not react, not be led, but to THINK for ourselves.  Inside, we know the truth.  Own it.  Face it.  Then be the change you wish to see.

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A BUZZFLASH GUEST CONTRIBUTION
by Tim Wise, www.TimWise.org

For those who still can’t grasp the concept of white privilege, or who are constantly looking for some easy-to-understand examples of it, perhaps this list will help.

White privilege is when you can get pregnant at seventeen like Bristol Palin and everyone is quick to insist that your life and that of your family is a personal matter, and that no one has a right to judge you or your parents, because “every family has challenges,” even as black and Latino families with similar “challenges” are regularly typified as irresponsible, pathological and arbiters of social decay.

White privilege is when you can call yourself a “fuckin’ redneck,” like Bristol Palin’s boyfriend does, and talk about how if anyone messes with you, you’ll “kick their fuckin’ ass,” and talk about how you like to “shoot shit” for fun, and still be viewed as a responsible, all-American boy (and a great son-in-law to be) rather than a thug.

White privilege is when you can attend four different colleges in six years like Sarah Palin did (one of which you basically failed out of, then returned to after making up some coursework at a community college), and no one questions your intelligence or commitment to achievement, whereas a person of color who did this would be viewed as unfit for college, and probably someone who only got in in the first place because of affirmative action.

White privilege is when you can claim that being mayor of a town smaller than most medium-sized colleges, and then Governor of a state with about the same number of people as the lower fifth of the island of Manhattan, makes you ready to potentially be president, and people don’t all piss on themselves with laughter, while being a black U.S. Senator, two-term state Senator, and constitutional law scholar, means you’re “untested.”

White privilege is being able to say that you support the words “under God” in the pledge of allegiance because “if it was good enough for the founding fathers, it’s good enough for me,” and not be immediately disqualified from holding office–since, after all, the pledge was written in the late 1800s and the “under God” part wasn’t added until the 1950s–while believing that reading accused criminals and terrorists their rights (because, ya know, the Constitution, which you used to teach at a prestigious law school requires it), is a dangerous and silly idea only supported by mushy liberals.

White privilege is being able to be a gun enthusiast and not make people immediately scared of you. White privilege is being able to have a husband who was a member of an extremist political party that wants your state to secede from the Union, and whose motto was “Alaska first,” and no one questions your patriotism or that of your family, while if you’re black and your spouse merely fails to come to a 9/11 memorial so she can be home with her kids on the first day of school, people immediately think she’s being disrespectful.

White privilege is being able to make fun of community organizers and the work they do–like, among other things, fight for the right of women to vote, or for civil rights, or the 8-hour workday, or an end to child labor–and people think you’re being pithy and tough, but if you merely question the experience of a small town mayor and 18-month governor with no foreign policy expertise beyond a class she took in college–you’re somehow being mean, or even sexist.

White privilege is being able to convince white women who don’t even agree with you on any substantive issue to vote for you and your running mate anyway, because all of a sudden your presence on the ticket has inspired confidence in these same white women, and made them give your party a “second look.”

White privilege is being able to fire people who didn’t support your political campaigns and not be accused of abusing your power or being a typical politician who engages in favoritism, while being black and merely knowing some folks from the old-line political machines in Chicago means you must be corrupt.

White privilege is being able to attend churches over the years whose pastors say that people who voted for John Kerry or merely criticize George W. Bush are going to hell, and that the U.S. is an explicitly Christian nation and the job of Christians is to bring Christian theological principles into government, and who bring in speakers who say the conflict in the Middle East is God’s punishment on Jews for rejecting Jesus, and everyone can still think you’re just a good church-going Christian, but if you’re black and friends with a black pastor who has noted (as have Colin Powell and the U.S. Department of Defense) that terrorist attacks are often the result of U.S. foreign policy and who talks about the history of racism and its effect on black people, you’re an extremist who probably hates America.

White privilege is not knowing what the Bush Doctrine is when asked by a reporter, and then people get angry at the reporter for asking you such a “trick question,” while being black and merely refusing to give one-word answers to the queries of Bill O’Reilly means you’re dodging the question, or trying to seem overly intellectual and nuanced.

White privilege is being able to claim your experience as a POW has anything at all to do with your fitness for president, while being black and experiencing racism is, as Sarah Palin has referred to it, a “light” burden.

And finally, white privilege is the only thing that could possibly allow someone to become president when he has voted with George W. Bush 90 percent of the time, even as unemployment is skyrocketing, people are losing their homes, inflation is rising, and the U.S. is increasingly isolated from world opinion, just because white voters aren’t sure about that whole “change” thing. Ya know, it’s just too vague and ill-defined, unlike, say, four more years of the same, which is very concrete and certain.

White privilege is, in short, the problem.

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The last thing I want to get into is a political debate.  My new mantra is “I allow others their experience” because quite frankly, I am extremely judgmental.  (Since I am my own worst critic, it stands to reason I am yours, too. )

Seriously, tho’, the idea being bounced around that Sarah Palin will bring former Hilliary Clinton supporters across the divide is absurd.

Am I supposed to believe that Hillary Clinton supporters so desperately want a woman in the White House that they’ll vote for McCain on the off chance he dies?

That plumbing matters more than politics?

This is a joke, right?

So what’s the plan, ladies?  We conspire to vote for someone we don’t really want, then collectively chant, dance and pray for his death, so our dream of having a woman in power comes to pass?

Gimme a break.

I would have loved to see Hillary go all the way.  I’ve been a big fan for years.  But, c’mon.  As Madeleine Albright so eloquently said in a recent speech, “ This is not a question of gender, it’s a question of agenda.”   Are you telling me that we are so pissed our girl didn’t get in that we’d elect a team and agenda that promises to set women back 50 years?  

Am I the only one who sees the error in this logic?

Ladies, we can piss, whine, complain and moan ’cause we didn’t get what we wanted.  But’s let keep it real.  This election is serious and the future of our children, our country, maybe even our world is at stake. 

I am not asking you to vote for Barack Obama.  I am asking you to consider your vision for the world.  Examine the issues.  Look for common ground.  We are not going to agree on every point.   Don’t be distracted by hot-button issues that only serve to divide us.

I’m mean really.  What’s more painful?  Adam and Steve getting married or the $5/gal for gas?

Stay focused.  Listen with your heart and decide.

Then cast your vote accordingly.

As Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

Live More Boldly!

Lisa

I cried for a lot of reasons.  But mostly because on the 45th anniversary of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. ’s famous “I have a dream” speech, a man of color, a bi-racial man at that, has a real chance at occupying our nation’s highest office.

There was a time in his lifetime, that people who looked like him were denied the right to vote.  That children who look like his daughters were educated in segregated schools.  That people who looked like him had to ride in the back of the bus.  

Tonight I watched the dreams of my grandmother, who marched with Dr. King in Alabama, come to fruition.  I saw the dream that my mother, a politician in her own right, come to pass.  I saw the hope my daddy held in his heart, for a country that still doesn’t live up to it’s ideals, pay off.

With Senator Obama’s nomination, I realized that the fears my parents and grandparents had living as black people in this country, never put their dreams to sleep.

As I sat and watched Stevie Wonder sing, I could feel my mother, father and grandmother’s spirits.  Their strength, their love, their hope, surrounded me.  Not only because of this historic moment, but as a reminder that although I may be afraid, so afraid that I cannot access my dreams today, that the dreams I had for my life cannot be put to sleep by that fear.  And to help me decide that tonight was the night for me to start dreaming again.

Tonight was a reminder to us all, that dreams, especially the unlikely ones, can come true.

Dream BIG and Live More BOLDLY!

Lisa

I never imagined the long-term impact those words would have on me because the night I heard them uttered by the man I loved, I simply wanted to die.

And on two separate occasions, I would attempt to take my own life, because the pain of losing him was more than I could bear.

When I decided that I could go on, those words had already become deeply rooted in my psyche.  I would spend the next 20+ years of my life, trying to reclaim my place.  It turns out that it wasn’t as much in his eyes, as it was my own.

In the moment that I let everything he said to me that night become my truth, I gave away my power.

Because I saw myself as the “fallen one”, I would spend years trying to prove my worth to others.

I needed their approval because I didn’t have his.

Truth was, however, that I didn’t approve of myself. 

How many of us are hung up about what we didn’t get from another person?

How many of us use our past as an excuse for why we don’t have the life we want?

How long do we have to play victim, wallow in what “they” did to us, blame our parents, our weight, our bosses, our gender or race?

When will we stop the madness?

Every time we look outside of ourselves for acceptance and approval, we have given away our power.

I left my power on the porch of Delo hall in 1985 when I told myself the story that I was nothing because he didn’t love me. 

And for over 20 years I would attract people and circumstances to support my belief of unworthiness because my power still rested in his acceptance and approval.

It didn’t matter that I had a loving life partner and beautiful daughter.

It didn’t matter that I was surrounded by great friends.

My internal story was that I was unworthy, unlovable and simply didn’t matter.

Take at look at your internal story. 

What’s happened in your past that still holds your power?  What person or circumstance are you giving your energy and attention to that no longer serves you?  What story or stories do you have running over and over again that keep you small and safe?

Reclaim your power.

It starts with a choice.  You can choose to use your power to create the life you dream of or you can continue to give it away.

It’s always your choice.

I only wish that at 20, I knew that it was this easy.  But I do now.

You don’t have to wait 20 years.  Or another second.

Reclaim your POWER…NOW.

Live More Boldly,

Lisa

In the kitchen the other night as I was thinking about the upcoming election,  I remembered Barack Obama’s campaign slogan:  “Change you can believe in.”

We don’t like change.  Most of us go out of our way to avoid it.  But, let’s face it, it’s the ONLY thing that’s constant.  You won’t always like it nor do you have to.  But it’s truly unavoidable.

Your kids will grow up.

Your parents will die.

Your job will change.

Friends will come and go.

And the list goes on.

If you’ve been spared the kind of change that brings you to your knees, than this post isn’t for you.  But if you have, I want to offer you this hope.

Einstein once said that “you can’t solve a problem with the same mind that created it. “  In other words, you have to be in a different place, think a different way,  in order to create a solution.

So, if the rug has been pulled out from under you, you’ve been given a HUGE opportunity to create something new.  Not just, tweak something here or there.  But to CONSCIOUSLY create what you REALLY, REALLY want.

When it’s all gone (or feels that way), you get to start over.  From scratch. 

And if you start to see it as an opportunity instead of a crisis, that new thinking will feel like being a little kid at Disneyland.  In other words, where do you want to start first?  How do you want to play today?

Everything can become fresh and exciting again.  Because with the old stuff all gone, you realize that you can CHOOSE what you want in it’s place.

And my friends, YOU are the Creator of your experience.

So what do you wish to choose, NOW?

I no longer want to wallow in what I’ve lost.  I no longer want to wallow about what “they” are saying about me or what “they” think.  I no longer want to feel sorry for myself or beat myself up for my “failure.”

Today I am choosing to acknowledge myself for creating these circumstances so that I could begin again.  I get to finally create a life on my terms.  I no longer give a shit  whether people think it’s silly, or that I’m this or that or the other thing.  That’s their crap.  I don’t want to fit in. 

And I am no longer playing small so that others will feel comfortable in my presence.

This is truly change I can believe in.

Look out, world.

Lisa

“The Resident Diva”

Thank you, Ken.  I love you.

A few months ago while Ken was out on the road  he called and asked me to download a song.  He told me that in the early 80’s while he was in the army, he discovered this song and decided that he would find his “somebody.”  The song was written in 1984 and in 1987, about 6 months after he left the army he met me. 

Thirty days before we met, I was preparing to go to a party and really took the time to look into my own eyes.  I decided then and there that I deserved better than what I had experienced in past relationships and I declared out loud what I wanted.  I was extremely specific, right down to a name.  I said, “Let him have a cool name like Ken or Jaime.

Hmm…..

I believe that you can have WHATEVER you want as long as you are clear and decisive.  Neither of us were attached to superficial things.  We were very clear on how we wanted to feel with the other person.  And I will admit, I’ve never had a day in 21 years that I didn’t have that feeling.

Do you know what YOU want?

Somebody

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who’ll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She’ll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She’ll hear me out
And won’t easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she’ll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who’ll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don’t want to be tied
To anyone’s strings
I’m carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I’m asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I’ll get away with it© 1984 Martin Lee Gore - Depeche Mode 

What person, place, thing or situation in your life can you accept NOW?