We look outside ourselves for acceptance and approval – “Soar” by Christina Aguilera
I am fascinated by people’s stories. One of the reasons I believe that I draw people so easily is that I am a great listener and I love to hear about your experiences. It gives me great insight into a human being because I often am blessed to hear the stories that they have never shared with anyone else. I feel so honored each and every time someone is that vulnerable with me.
But I also notice how people use stories to justify things, mainly how they feel about something. I’ve done a lot of training via teleclass and have had the opportunity to interact with people all over the world. Most of the work I do usually requires some deep emotional upheaval and that makes people uncomfortable. I have recently come to the realization that people will do anything…anything not to feel “difficult” or unwanted emotions.
One of those ways around it is to mask our feelings in a story.
I have a real pet peeve when someone arrives to a teleclass late and instead of just saying, “I’m here, sorry I was late” they launch into all the reasons why. I DON’T GIVE A SHIT. You were late. So what. Move on. But I can see now that the story makes them feel better because they have also told themselves a story about how awful (irresponsible, stupid, etc.) they are for being late. Rather than just accept their feelings in the moment, they rationalize in all sorts of ways so that they don’t have to feel whatever it is that came up.
Many of my past spiritual mentors have told me that if you stay present with an emotion it will pass. I can’t say that I have believed that until now because I have been gifted with an ability to feel at very deep levels. I have hated someone enough to see myself killing them. I have experienced depression so deep I tried to commit suicide believing it was the only way to stop the pain. I have loved so passionately that I couldn’t tell where I ended and they began.
Where I have gotten stuck, however, is feeling something I felt I shouldn’t. Believe me , the feeling of hate was justified. But to love someone who doesn’t love you back, who has hurt you in unimaginable ways, is just plain stupid, right?
So you keep telling yourself a story. The story is better than feeling your truth: I’m still in love with an asshole.
Just writing that makes me laugh out loud. My coach, Jenny, once asked me, “Where does the love go?” (in this case we were discussing a relationship break-up). I have always wondered that. And now, I believe that it remains. And because you don’t want to feel it and accept it, you tell the story of how they are this, that and the other thing and how they don’t deserve you and so on and so on. Instead of just admitting that “yes, they treated me like shit and for some reason, I still love them.”
That’s way too hard and what kind of idiot are you for loving someone who is a complete ass?
An honest one. A human one. A perfect one.
After 1 week into Debbie Ford’s 21-day consciousness cleanse (check out Oprah.com), I was facing day 8, the gift of liberation, when I got stuck. Leaving my past behind brought up all sorts of stories, but thankfully, rather than investing in them further, I dug in and committed to letting them all go. No matter what.
I was overjoyed when I woke up from my nap with these words floating around from my Spirit.
“You don’t need anyone’s permission to feel what you feel. Yes, you still love him. You just do. Enough said.”
I started laughing out loud. In four short sentences, I experienced the powers of liberation, responsibility and acceptance.
Years of crap lifted from my consciousness. It was nothing short of miraculous.
- You don’t need anyone’s permission to feel what you feel.
- Whatever you are feeling is just fine. There is nothing wrong with you for having ANY emotional response.
- Own what you feel. Just be in it.
- And when you do, you’ll find it no longer has a hold on you.
Enough said. 🙂
Your coaching inquiry should you accept it:
What feelings are you ashamed of having that you’d rather tell a story than shed light on them? What could shift if you would allow yourself to feel what you feel with someone’s (including your own) approval? What would become available to you if you stopped making yourself wrong for whatever?
Here’s to you dropping your stories!
Love & magic,
The Resident Diva