Cracked Wide Open
Funny thing about “unmasking”.
It’s never really done.
It’s been over a week since I’ve put up a post. Now I could tell you lots of reasons and no doubt, most people would see them as valid.
I was sick. (I had my first cold in 5 years)
I was hormonal (does not always make for the..ahem..*nicest* of writing)
I just didn’t feel like it.
But the truth is, that I was hiding…again.
Last week, while on Twitter, someone I have admired from afar for years “tweeted” about my post, “It Starts at Home”.
Now, it was getting some Tweet-time and Facebook love, but from people I know.
I’m cool with that ’cause I love my peeps and tweeps. 
I’m even getting used to people I don’t know showing up on the blog because I LOVE meeting new people.
But when strangers are sharing my deep, dark raggedy thoughts…well…I start getting a little antsy.
And when people I don’t know AND secretly love do it…well…That’s more than my weak knees can handle.
So, I wrote and wrote.
But not anything fit for public consumption.
Because…now *they* were watching.
I wallowed in this crap for days and yesterday, I brought it up with my awesome mastermind group. One of them called it, “The Paradox of Invisibility”. Wanting to be seen but then hiding when we are “found.”
I felt so validated when I found this quote on a blog called Confident Writing today:
The psychologist D.W. Winnacott once wrote that in most writers there is a conflict between two needs, ‘the urgent desire to communicate and the still more urgent need not to be found.’
Yes, I was feeling pretty damn good about my bullshit.
But then I remembered something my brilliant coach, Julia, said about the subject. In the past, whenever she got up to speak she was often terrified. When challenged about it, however, it turned out that even though Julia was “afraid” to speak up, she loved it when she was “heard.”
Busted.
You see, Julia discovered that she thrives on RECOGNITION.
News flash: So do I.
Some people, need to WIN, others keep score by $$$$, but I, my darlings, am a fame hog.
(oink oink)
So it turns out, I wasn’t hiding from you, or my secret *crush*, but my own truth.
I WANT TO BE SEEN. I WANT TO BE HEARD. I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME.
I didn’t know how important it would be for me to be able to admit that until I was given the opportunity to hear Jennifer Louden (aka Comfort Queen) speak today at the World-Changing Writers workshop hosted by my gal pals, Pace and Kyeli at Freak Revolution. Jen is the best-selling author of several books including, The Woman’s Comfort Book: A Self-Nurturing Guide for Restoring Balance in Your Life.
Jen said as writers we need to create our own conditions of enough-ness. Because of the way our brains are wired we will always be looking to the outside for an assessment of how great or how bad we are as writers.
If we don’t set up these conditions, we set ourselves up to constantly judge ourselves, our process, our product. And to really access that deep soulful place where what needs to be said resides, we have to establish our own conditions of enough-ness.
Clearly this couldn’t have come at a more perfect time.
Now, I was never in danger of not writing.
But, I was afraid that I could no longer go deep and be public.
Well, you know me well enough to know that I can still be afraid and do it anyway.
I have to.
I AM a writer.
And I am enough.
And today, the writer in me was cracked wide open.
(It’s gettin’ hot in here…:) )
==================================================================================
How about you? What story, what lie are you telling yourself that keeps you from facing your truth?
In what area of you life do you need to be cracked wide open today?
-
Let’s Connect!
I so get this. The alternating between putting myself out there and then hiding. The addiction to recognition. Interestingly though, I found myself more uncomfortable getting attention from people I knew. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you, Patty, for stopping by.
It's funny how we do this, isn't it. I always believed it was one or the other and the realization that both needs existed at the same time was HUGE.
I know for some, the need to be recognized can become an addiction. It is one aspect of myself that I cannot ignore. Nor can I ignore the part of me that wants chocolate, sleep, or solitude.
In facing my fears and through my writing, these parts of me come forward and let me know what they need. I can't always stay hidden, because my fame hog needs attention. By paying attention to all my different selves, I find I can be more balanced and not get addicted to one thing or another.
So honored that you came by.
::breaking web silence for a sec::
Ooh, I love it. And the fame hog thing? Me too. Go, Lisa!
Tweet you tomorrow.
I have missed you, Miss LaVonne! And am resisting the urge to scold you. LOL!
Thank you for breaking your internet silence to check in. Oink, oink.
You were BORN famous, darling. So glad I have your friendship and wisdom to turn to as my writer continues to come forward. Love u!
So glad to meet you and get to know your writing. I so hope COE's will help you continue to crack!
Miss Jen–what an honor to welcome you to my "home." Thank you for stopping by.
Conditions of Enough-ness. Wow. What a gem you gave me today. I will be forever grateful.
I will be drafting mine over a lovely cup of green tea, sipping in gratitude for all I was given today to move me forward as a writer.
Cheers!
Lisa – I have been doing the same thing. Your post really brought it to light.
I wrote the first post of my new website July 1st (I think). Nothing since then.
I could list off probably just about every reason in the book why I haven't written again. But they're all wrong, I was just hiding again, too.
I also thrive on recognition. I want to be heard, but I don't want to be discovered. And yet I do want to be discovered. It's all messed up, lol.
I'm off to update my blog. Thank you for this post and the nudge forward.
I am so thrilled that you stopped by, Mary, and CONGRATULATIONS on your blog! What a huge step!!!!
This paradox is fascinating: wanting to hide and be seen all at the same time. I am marveling at it like a kid looking at a lava lamp for this first time. LOL.
It took me 2+ years to call myself a writer. Even though I wrote in one way, shape, or form, every day, I still couldn't come to say those words.
The words kept coming. And I knew that some of them were meant to me "seen". I slowly built trust in myself with each and every post.
And that's what you'll do with your personal revolution. And in doing so, you'll give others like us, permission to do the same.
Rock on!
For me it was/is my weight. Most people look straight through fat people and I often feel invisible. I wanted so desperately to be seen which is crazy because how can you NOT see a 350 pound woman?! So now I just let my light shine…sort of lol
What's most beautiful is that you can create through the stuff you've got going on. What I find is that humans are hard-wired to use their greatest gifts to "hide" from their deepest truths. In other words, it's not the writing — you could have posted 25 articles in 20 days on mundane, 'how-to' stuff and they would be proficient and useful and 'by the book' but when it comes to your truth, your passion, your core, well we hide out. Because you (and LaVonne, and I suspect everyone else who relates to 'fame') don't want to simply BE FAMOUS, you want to be HEARD for your truth — shine the light on it. That's what the spotlight is about wise one. I love this post. And I love that LaVonne broke her silence to come visit!
Lisa – You are seen; you are heard; and I do love you! With your brilliance and your shaky-quaky issues, you are a Perfect Person. You and everyone here are acknowledged and appreciated in ways you'll never know.
PS: When I was a choreographer, I used to hide myself and my dancers in bizarre costumes and animal masks. 'Please watch me dance, but please don't see ME!'
That’s a guenniely impressive answer.
Wow – this really brought on an "aha" moment for me. You hit the nail on the head. Exactly why I haven't posted on my blog in forever. I'm hiding. I had an emotional weekend over the 4th of July and it knocked the wind out of my sails because I couldn't seem to write about it. Hiding. That's it exactly. And also? Hello, my name is Jessica and I'm a fame hog (oink, oink). Hmmm it seems the 2500wds ladies all have that bug!
But really it's wanting to be heard and in being heard, connecting with the listener. For me, it all comes down to connection. I guess – being fair – I've been doing a lot of connecting in my off-line life which takes a lot of energy. And reduces my need to connect on line. I guess I need to find the balance between putting myself "out there" and hiding AND between connecting online and connecting offline.
Thanks for all those AHA moments Lisa. You rock.