I’m absolutely scattered this morning.

I woke up tired, intending to go see my sister in the hospital, but realized that I was too tired to drive 5 hours, much less drive back.  I feel like a loser.

I haven’t heard from my husband yet today after he worked 12 hours and then drove to Green Bay, arriving some time after 1am and I’ m worried.

So, I’ve piddled around this morning, watching TV, drinking coffee, trying to write, talking to my daughter in hopes that I’ll somehow “get it together” and be productive today.

Then my reminder message came up, “What do you need?”

I set this reminder message up months ago as a way for me to check in with myself.  Most days, I ignore it.  I’m too busy.

And that would explain the results or lack thereof I am experiencing in my life.

Asking yourself that question and listening allows you to see where your thoughts are.  And where your thoughts go,  your attention and actions follow.  And since most people are often thinking about what’s NOT working in their lives or what they DON’T want, it’s no surprise why many of us are so unhappy.

So, what do you need?

When I paid attention to the message today, I came to the blog to write.  I NEED this blog.  It isn’t for YOU, per se.  I have this blog for ME.  

I have something to say.   It no longer matters if anyone agrees or even cares.  I had to start listening to ME.  And the voice has said to me, over and over and over again to write.  So I am.

What do you need?

I need to sit in silence for a few minutes and honor the moment.  I need to remind myself that I am worthy and lovable.  I need to do something loving for ME. 

What do you need?

What you give yourself is what you give to others.  How you treat yourself shows others how you want to be treated.

Are you getting what you need? 

If not, start NOW by giving it to yourself.

Before I went to bed last night, I wrote in my journal that “I hate god” and essentially told god to f- off.

And yes, I woke up alive and well today.

The truth of the matter is that I hate myself. 

I hate myself for the drama I’ve created in my life.

I hate myself for believing what other people said about me as TRUTH.

I hate myself for doubting my intuitive abilities and believing that there was something “wrong” with me.

I hate myself for trying to be something I wasn’t, just so others would like me.

I hate myself for spending 15 years at a job that I knew DAY 1 was not a place for me.

And most of all, I hate myself for ever believing that I wasn’t beautiful, magnificent, worthy and perfect JUST AS I AM. 

I’ve spent too long living a lie and the pain is almost more than I can bear. 

At 43 years old, I am starting over again.  In a new place, leaving behind a life of comfort and familiarity.

That comfort and familiarity came at great cost.  The price was even higher when I decided I could find it outside of society’s definition  of success.

But the price of not hearing my own soul far outweighed the loss of my financial and material stability.

Because I listened so long to others, I don’t know who I am.

And that sucks.

And I’m pissed off.  at god.  and myself.

I’ve made my life harder than it ever had to be because I drowned out the voice of my soul. 

I realize that god doesn’t make life hard.  We do.  We have been taught that in order to be accepted and approved of by others, including god, we have to do, be or say certain things.  If not, we are punished.  Rejected, ridiculed, scorned or even condemned to eternal damnation.

C’mon.

Do you think the people telling you that you have to be a certain way don’t have an agenda of their own?  Who really benefits from all of the “shoulds” placed on you?  I’m not saying there isn’t a place for rules and laws, but perhaps we should spend more time questioning instead of rolling over in compliance believing “they” know more about how we should live our lives than we do.

They don’t.  It’s time we stop giving our power away. 

And it’s time I stop giving my power away to ANYTHING outside of me.  It’s time to get to know ME and listen to the voice of my soul.

That’s what makes life “easy” and it’s the way we are meant to live.

My new “rules”

show up.

trust all is well.

then live like I believe that with every fiber of my being.

Kids do that until we “rule” it out of them.  It’s called “play.”

Years and years of following someone else’s  rules has left my body severely unbalanced, my sense of humor non-existent, and most importantly, left me hating myself.

god made it easy.

i made it hard.

The time has come to question more and do less.  The time has come to examine and re-examine my own  beliefs, to see if they are serving my best and highest good.  Not someone else’s ego.  The time has come to create a life that reflects who I REALLY am and not what anyone else would “approve” of.

It isn’t about them.  

THIS IS ABOUT ME.

I encourage you to create your own rules.  Trust your own instincts.  God wants you to live OUT LOUD in a way that only you can.  I cannot express your essence through me.  Only you can express you. 

And today, I’m going to express me and play.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

pissed off and playing anyway….

lisa

If I see one more article about holiday stress I think I may scream!!!!!!!!!

Yep, I’m caught in the trap of automatically reacting to something.

Sound familar?

Like everything, the “holiday season” is but an illusion.  Did you have any say into this idea that from Halloween until New Year’s that you were supposed to run around like a chicken with your head cut off trying to buy the ”right” gifts, food, decorations..and so on and so on???

Did anyone ask your input into whether Dec 25 was a better day for you than say, August 2?  

And how about the turkey and the pig?  Did anyone ask their opinion about being served up in excess come the end of the year? 

Well, no one asked me.  So for me and my family, we do what we choose.

My father died on what’s known in this country as “black Friday.”  On the day that millions of people are trampling each other to spend money they don’t have on stuff that no one really NEEDS, I was saying good-bye to my Daddy.  I was 24 and got my first lesson in perspective and choice.

Had I waited until Christmas to buy something for my dad or show up at the house ’cause we “had” to,  I’d have been S.O.L.  Christmas didn’t come for Daddy that year. 

Why do we wait until some arbitrary day on the calendar to show appreciation?  Because the retailers tell us to?

I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day–my husband and I tell each other every day how much we love and appreciate the other.

I don’t get wrapped up in birthdays or anniversaries–the next one isn’t always promised, so we celebrate our family in little ways.  Dinners out at someone’s favorite restaurant, gifts “just because”, vacations and short get-a-ways, because life’s simply too short.

Showing love and appreciation doesn’t require good credit or lots of cash.  Nor do you prove your love by the amount of stress and strain that you put forth in creating the “perfect” meal or holiday party or buying your kid something because “everyone else has it.”

The only person asking you to do, do, do, is YOU.  If you didn’t lift a finger or spend a dime, it wouldn’t make you any less the magnificent creation that you are. 

If what you are doing doesn’t create peace–STOP.  Otherwise, please keep your complaining about how stressful this time of year is to yourself.

Your stress is self-inflicted. 

Choose peace.