I can’t believe that it’s been some 14 days since the election and I have yet to write about it.

Truth is, I’m not sure if I have the words.  But Alice Walker, the award winning author of The Color Purple, voiced many of the thoughts I’ve been having about the Obamas since the election.

Many thanks to my dear mentor and friend, coach and author Mary McHenry, for taking some time out of her busy schedule to share this with me.

Open Letter to Barack Obama from Alice Walker
Nov. 5, 2008

Dear Brother Obama,

You have no idea, really, of how profound this moment is for us. Us being the black people of the Southern United States. You think you know, because you are thoughtful, and you have studied our history. But seeing you deliver the torch so many others before you carried, year after year, decade after decade, century after century, only to be struck down before igniting the flame of justice and of law, is almost more than the heart can bear. And yet, this observation is not intended to burden you, for you are of a different time, and, indeed, because of all the relay runners before you, North America is a different place. It is really only to say: Well done.

We knew, through all the generations, that you were with us, in us, the best of the spirit of Africa and of the Americas. Knowing this, that you would actually appear, someday, was part of our strength. Seeing you take your rightful place, based solely on your wisdom, stamina and character, is a balm for the weary warriors of hope, previously only sung about.

I would advise you to remember that you did not create the disaster that the world is experiencing, and you alone are not responsible for bringing the world back to balance. A primary responsibility that you do have, however, is to cultivate happiness in your own life. To make a schedule that permits sufficient time of rest and play with your gorgeous wife and lovely daughters. And so on. One gathers that your family is large. We are used to seeing men in the White House soon become juiceless and as white-haired as the building; we notice their wives and children looking strained and stressed. They soon have smiles so lacking in joy that they remind us of scissors. This is no way to lead. Nor does your family deserve this fate.

One way of thinking about all this is: It is so bad now that there is no excuse not to relax. From your happy, relaxed state, you can model real success, which is all that so many people in the world really want. They may buy endless cars and houses and furs and gobble up all the attention and space they can manage, or barely manage, but this is because it is not yet clear to them that success is truly an inside job. That it is within the reach of almost everyone.

I would further advise you not to take on other people’s enemies. Most damage that others do to us is out of fear, humiliation and pain. Those feelings occur in all of us, not just in those of us who profess a certain religious or racial devotion. We must learn actually not to have enemies, but only confused adversaries who are ourselves in disguise. It is understood by all that you are commander in chief of the United States and are sworn to protect our beloved country; this we understand, completely. However, as my mother used to say, quoting a Bible with which I often fought, “hate the sin, but love the sinner.” There must be no more crushing of whole communities, no more torture, no more dehumanizing as a means of ruling a people’s spirit. This has already happened to people of color, poor people, women, children. We see where this leads, where it has led.

A good model of how to “work with the enemy” internally is presented by the Dalai Lama, in his endless caretaking of his soul as he confronts the Chinese government that invaded Tibet. Because, finally, it is the soul that must be preserved, if one is to remain a credible leader. All else might be lost; but when the soul dies, the connection to earth, to peoples, to animals, to rivers, to mountain ranges, purple and majestic, also dies. And your smile, with which we watch you do gracious battle with unjust characterizations, distortions and lies, is that expression of healthy self-worth, spirit and soul, that, kept happy and free and relaxed, can find an answering smile in all of us, lighting our way, and brightening the world.

We are the ones we have been waiting for.

In Peace and Joy,
Alice Walker

Let us remember to keep our focus on the best in each other.

With love,

Lisa

I had a breakthrough of sorts today as I begin to move forward in restructuring my business.  As is usually the case, Paul, my greatest teacher, showed up in my thoughts to facilitate my learning.

I was frustrated by this “reappearance” but I know that resisting it only creates more drama.  So, I got curious and reached out to a friend for support.

Her question:  What do you still need from him?

Nothing.

I suddenly felt freer than I ever have.  And then I realized that “need” is what has kept me tied to him so long.   I needed him to be different than he was.  To show up for me in a way that served me.

And as long as I needed him to change, to be different that he WAS, the drama would remain.  (And it did for over 20 years!)

Hmm…

I then began to examine my other relationships.

I’ve never needed my husband.   I love being around him.  I feel better when he’s around.  His presence enhances my life-always has.  But I don’t need him to be anything other than who he is.  Perhaps that’s why we’ve been so happy for 21 years.

As I looked around at my closest friendships, I could see the same pattern.  I am surrounded by people who enhance my life.  I need nothing from them and feel blessed by their presence. I like who they are and wouldn’t change a thing about them.

Every relationship I’ve had that “failed” was just the opposite.  I was looking for something from those people.  When they gave it to me, life was great.  When they withdrew what I needed, things got dicey.  I became angry/defensive/manipulative/obsessed/depressed.    I had lost sight of the fact that I am complete–just as I am–and I need nothing from another being to make me feel whole. When I put those demands on someone, the relationship is doomed.

It’s true that we all want to feel needed by someone else.  We may feel our existence validated when someone needs us.  But to be the person who is needed is a LOT of pressure.  What if I disappoint?  What if I can’t deliver what you need from me whenever you need it? (Talk about performance anxiety!)

It’s easy to see why people become resentful in a relationship.  The demands of the other may simply become to great a burden to bear.   Breakdown, in one way or the other, is inevitable.

You need nothing and no one outside of you to complete you.  You are whole–as you are–NOW.

I invite you to take a look at the things and people in your life that fulfill a “need” you have.  If that person, job, etc. were to disappear, what would you be left with?  Would you feel a void?  Why?

If something in your life is filling a perceived need, ask how you can fill the need yourself?  For example, if your home provides a feeling of security, how you could you give yourself the feeling of security?

I’ve learned the hard way, NOTHING is permanent.  Everything in your life can be gone in an instant.  But I know now that my sense of worth, value and security come from within. If I need to be heard, I listen to myself.  If I need love, I ask, “how can I show love to myself today?”

As a business owner, I see that this is a great way to show up in the world.  I don’t NEED a client to provide anything to me.   I know how to give to myself.  I know that I am complete as I am and I know that my client is complete and whole as they are.  Without the need to change or fix them, I can serve from a place of love. Our relationship can be life-enhancing, not draining.  Now that’s client attractive.

What would your life be like if you were “needy no more”?

Love and hugs,

Lisa

Today is my 21st wedding anniversary.  I’ve been blessed to have found a person I respect and admire to share my journey with.  He’s been my friend, first and foremost, and I believe that’s how we’ve been able to make this commitment work so successfully.  I’m humbled and honored that everyday for the past 21 years, along with the multitude of decisions he makes each day, among those choices is a commitment to me.

Thank you, Ken.  I love you.

A few months ago while Ken was out on the road  he called and asked me to download a song.  He told me that in the early 80’s while he was in the army, he discovered this song and decided that he would find his “somebody.”  The song was written in 1984 and in 1987, about 6 months after he left the army he met me. 

Thirty days before we met, I was preparing to go to a party and really took the time to look into my own eyes.  I decided then and there that I deserved better than what I had experienced in past relationships and I declared out loud what I wanted.  I was extremely specific, right down to a name.  I said, “Let him have a cool name like Ken or Jaime.

Hmm…..

I believe that you can have WHATEVER you want as long as you are clear and decisive.  Neither of us were attached to superficial things.  We were very clear on how we wanted to feel with the other person.  And I will admit, I’ve never had a day in 21 years that I didn’t have that feeling.

Do you know what YOU want?

Somebody

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who’ll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She’ll get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She’ll hear me out
And won’t easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she’ll often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who’ll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don’t want to be tied
To anyone’s strings
I’m carefully trying to steer clear of
Those things
But when I’m asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I’ll get away with it© 1984 Martin Lee Gore - Depeche Mode 

**This post is dedicated to CJ, whose writing and friendship are beautiful reminders that hiding is no longer an option.**

During my first class in coaching school, we were taken through a visualization exercise where we were supposed to meet up with our future self.    The point of the exercise was that my future self had something to share that would support me in my journey.

I won’t go into all the details of my visualization but two things have always stood out.  When I arrived at this future place in time, there were beings waiting for me in a circle.  I remember feeling overwhelmed with emotion at the sight of these beings–I could feel so much love and appreciation.  As I approached the circle, I began to make out faces.  These were people who were my champions or cheerleaders, if you will.  I could see my husband, daughter, my mother and father, and a few close friends.  I also saw people I didn’t expect to see, like a former boss and a relatively “new” friend.  I’ll never forget the look of love and appreciation in their eyes and the unconditional acceptance I felt in that circle.

I have since learned that there are more people cheering me on, loving and supporting me unconditionally than I had ever imagined.

The same goes for you.  You just have to be open to seeing it and letting go of the ways you believe their support should look like. 

The second thing I remember about the visualization is the gift my future self gave me. 

A key.

A very large key.   So large, it required two hands to hold it. 

When I asked what it meant, ‘I’ replied, “You know.”

And now, I do.

All along, I have held the key to freedom.  I have held the key to peace.   I have the key to ending all the suffering in my life.  Now.

The key?  Acceptance.

I can continue to wish that my financial situation were different.  I can continue to be angry at Paul for not loving me back.  I can continue to be outraged by the genocide in Darfur, the global food crisis or the price of gas.  I continue to berate myself for not being smart enough, thin enough, pretty enough, good enough in any number of situations in my past.

And the suffering continues.

The key is to accept what is.  Right now. 

The truth is, I could not have made a different decision than wallowing in the shit Paul and I created.  I could not have made a different decision about my career, my finances, my business, than the ones I made at the time.  I couldn’t have chosen to not hurt someone feelings or not to have the all-too-frequent temper tantrums of my past. 

You see, the person I was at those moments was only capable of making the decision that was made.  Everything I had learned and believed at that time translated into my behaviors and actions.  (The same goes for those around you.  They, too, are only making the decisions they are capable of at that moment.)

Change the input-thoughts and beliefs-you change the action.  This my friend, is how we grow. 

Moment-to-moment.  Choice-by-choice.

Where ever you are today, is EXACTLY where you should be.  Accept it.  Whatever has happened in your past, accept it.  Whatever “they’ve” done to you, accept it.   You can’t have peace until you do.

I invite you to make a decision with me, right now, to end your suffering. 

• stop comparing yourself to others
• stop regretting your past
• stop wishing people (circumstances, etc.) were different
• stop believing that you are anything but whole and complete NOW.

Only you can stop your suffering.

I’ve offered you the key. 

Will you take it?

For years I have debated with myself about whether God actually listens, much less speaks to me.  I know that those doubts stem from the heartache and disappointments I’ve experienced because in the midst of such drama, I feel as if I’m alone.

As my spiritual journey went off the beaten path down a steep, unpaved, narrow mountain “road”, I ve come to see that many of us spend all this time “talking” to God, but few of us take the time to listen.  I wanted God to speak to me in a way that I understood, and when that didn’t happen, I could dismiss prayer and all other forms of communication as bogus.

The truth that I have uncovered for myself–God speaks to us ALL the time.

So the question isn’t whether God is listening to you.  The question is:  Are you listening to God?

A few years ago while in Connecticut, I heard a voice.  Turns out it was a tree.  Yes, a tree.  

 After I realized that I wasn’t crazy, I found that trees and some plants actually “talk” to me.  Some just laugh at the way I’m behaving, others offer comfort and still others, just ask me to stop and take notice.   As I got used to this phenomenon, I decided to ask my one and only houseplant if it talked and whether she had a name. (I have NO idea what this plant is and that I haven’t killed it is PROOF that miracles happen.)   She laughed at me, said her name was Astrid and wondered if I was ever going to get around to listening to her.   See, I talked to “it” all the time.  I just never took the time to hear her.

In the midst of my financial crisis, I’ve taken to writing to ease the pain, but never did I actively seek for signs that God was trying to tell me something.  I was angry and distraught at the loss of my livlihood and all the things I’d worked for.  But there was a deeper message–one I apparently wasn’t ready to hear.

Until I saw the snake.

Now, I have lived 43 years without ever seeing a snake up close.  Yet there it was at my back door.  Over the past few weeks, I’ve seen several.  I just have to look out my window.  Many of you reading this know that I freaked out and have had many a meltdown over them.  Yet you encouraged me to look for the meaning.   And I have.

As I started to embrace the snakes, then spiders began showing up.  Another major yuck for me.   This time, instead of freaking out, I stopped and said, “what are you trying to tell me.  I am listening.”

The answers came quickly.

Swift change is coming into my life.  It is time to let go of the old me and accept and love the new me.   I’ve had to “shed the skin” of all the illusions of my former life because I was not living a life that was created from my soul’s greatest intention.  The spider helped me see that as I bridge my past and future, that the strength that I need to draw upon is at my core-my center.  From that authentic place, the life my soul has intended all along can be created. 

And like the spider who trusts that the web it has created will support it, I too, can trust that living from my center, from my soul, will provide me with all the love,  power, courage, and sustenance I will ever need.

God is speaking to you in so many ways. 

Are you listening?

I’m always fascinated at our culture’s seeming need to set aside a special day to recognize something or someone.  I really believe in acknowledgment, but I wonder sometimes about the other 364 days of the year. 

Today is Mother’s Day in the US and Canada and while I appreciate the warm wishes from friends and family, I long for the day that people are acknowledged and celebrated, not just for the roles or titles, but simply for who they ARE.  And that won’t require a special day, deep discounted prices, or anything other than a heartfelt “thank you.”

Even though a day has rarely passed that I don’t give thanks for my husband and daughter, I felt like I just wanted to write about it.

To my daughter, Olivia:

From the moment I knew of your presence, I really began to celebrate the gift of being a woman.  As I watched your father’s excitement grow along with my belly, I was sad that he could not experience the miracle of carrying you.  

For 40 weeks, it was you and me.  We shared everything, kiddo.  I knew that my mood, my energy, what I ate affected you.  And you never missed an opportunity to communciate your displeasure, even then. :)   

It was a time that I learned to believe in magic and miracles again.  You brought a smile to my face when I didn’t think I’d ever smile again.  And you’re still doing it, 17 years later.

I am honored and forever grateful that you chose me to be your mommy.

To my dear, sweet Ken:

I remember sitting next to a woman at work a few weeks before we got married.  She was pregnant with her first child and said to me, “there is nothing in the world like carrying the child of the man you love.”

I remember thinking how hokey that sounded and even for a softie like me, it was too much.  There was nothing remotely attractive or beautiful to me about being pregnant.

But then we found out about  our “boo” 3 1/2 years later.  And one night, you rolled over and kissed my belly and I remember that woman’s words.  And she was right.

Becoming a mother has been the most beautiful gift I’ve ever been given.  Thank you for chosing me to bring your child into the world and for allowing me to mother her in my own way.  I know you haven’t always agreed with my approach, but you never asked me to be anyone else…ever.   I’m honored to be your ”best bud” and your baby mama.

 Love you both.

I was talking to a colleague in California yesterday who told me she’d just paid over $4/gal to fill up her car. 

Wow.

She then began relating a story to me that she’d read that people are beginning to sell possessions in order to buy gas and groceries for their families.

Wow.

I’ve never been interested in politics because one of my core values is AUTHENTICITY.   At least in our country, you can’t be authentic and be a successful politician.

But the drama of the last 8 years unfolded as my spiritual walk took a major detour.  I’ve challenged everything I thought to be true about myself and the world, left my job, lost material “security” and several “friends,” to find myself in a space that is more loving, more kind, more AUTHENTIC than I ever imagined. 

Trust me, all of those “losses” could have stopped me dead in my tracks.   And many times, they did.   But I never lost sight of the dream that I could love myself unconditionally, NO MATTER WHAT.

I’m not 100% there and maybe that’s too much to ask for 1 lifetime.  I won’t dare declare, “Mission: Accomplished.”

Which leads me back to the current state of affairs in the US.  

This isn’t a freakin’ election about abortion, gay marriage, Jeremiah Wright, black, white or whatever. 

It’s about our future.  It’s about our children.  It’s about taking steps towards actualizing the potential in ALL of us.

And yes, that means facing up to the fact that even in “the land of the free and the home of the brave, ” EQUAL access to opportunities does not exist. 

It’s about accepting the brutality our country has inflicted on our own citizens as well as people around the world along with shining our brilliance more brightly.

We’ve done a lot of things that have lifted up humanity.  And many things that haven’t.

It’s time to stop wrapping ourselves up in the flag and hiding behind beliefs that someone else handed you (and you readily accept) and be of SERVICE.   It’s time to stop judging and condemning and claiming superiority.  It’s time to realize that we have a responsibility to EACH OTHER.  

And the only way I know how to do that, is to start with YOU.  When you stop making yourself “wrong”, when you stop condemning yourself for all the things you did or didn’t do, when you stop believing that when you lose weight, or have a better job, or get bigger boobs or less wrinkles, or more money or whatever it is you use to make yourself feel less than, THEN we can move toward healing our country and our world.

This isn’t about Jeremiah Wright, or the war on terror or whose God is bigger and badder.

It’s about YOU deciding to become your own source of light and love.  And when you do that, the compassion that you have for yourself, will fill you up and overflow and naturally make the world a better place.  Because you’ll be choosing from LOVE, not fear.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

Choosing from fear will continue this cycle in ways I’m too afraid to imagine.

Don’t let yourself become distracted. 

The world needs you.

For my friend, Jodie, whose question helped me dig a little deeper.  And in loving memory of my friend, Paul.

She Let Go

by Rev. Safire Rose~Agape Int’l Spiritual Center

She let go. 

Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of fear.  She let go of judgments.  She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.

She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.

Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go.

She didn’t search the scriptures.

She just let go.

She let go of all the memories that held her back.  She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.

She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.  She didn’t promise to let go.  She didn’t journal about it.

She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.  She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.  She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horopscope.

She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.   She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.  She didn’t utter one word.

She just let go.

No one was around when it happened.  There was no applause or congratulations.  No one thanked her or praised her.  No one noticed a thing.

Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort.  There was no struggle.  It wasn’t good.  It wasn’t bad. 

It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be.  A small smile came over her face.  A light breeze blew through her.

And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

Yesterday was my birthday.  The outpouring of love was overwhelming and something I don’t take for granted.  Connection is really what my life’s work is about.  It’s the fuel that drives me.  I am grateful beyond words for the connections I’ve made in the last 43 years.

One connection that I have that I rarely celebrate is with one of my sisters.  We are adopted but biologically share the same father.  We were born 25 days apart in adjacent counties.  She was born to a married white woman who had several other children.  Me, to a 15 year old Mexican immigrant.  Dad clearly didn’t discriminate. 

No wonder I was a diversity professional.

Anyway, growing up, we were like “twins.”  But in our teenage years we took different paths and our lives couldn’t be any more different if we’d been born on different planets.

Friday, April 5, my 43 year old sister had a heart attack.

She is still in ICU, fighting for her life.  The prospect of losing her doesn’t make me sad.  I have said all I needed to say, long ago.  But for her, I want to share a funny story, that I hope energetically, will bring her some laughter and peace.

One day when I was about 3 or 4, , I asked my sister to come out to the garage with me and look in Daddy’s refrigerator.  He kept worms in there, so I was always afraid they’d jump out at me or something. She wasn’t afraid of worms, so having back-up was cool.

We found some ”grape juice” in there and sat down with these itty bitty glasses to drink some.  We didn’t want Daddy to know we’d been in there and we really just wanted a sip.

I don’t remember much after that until Mom came out.  She was ticked.  I was laughing my ass off and my sister was crying.  Mom demanded to know what we were doing, ’cause apparently, she’d been calling us for awhile. 

My sister, still crying, say’s, “Lisa made me have ‘munnion.”  

Yep, we had our own communion, but what we thought was grape juice was actually homemade wine!

We were stupid drunk, but all Mom could do was clean us up and put us to bed until we slept it off.    

As you can imagine, communion was never the same.

Every time we told that story, my sister would just laugh and laugh.  I hope she’s laughing now.

Leah, no matter what you decide, whether you choose to stay or join up with Mom and Dad, I love you.  And ‘munnion will be waiting for you, either way.

I encourage you to take a minute today and share a laugh with someone you love.  And say a prayer for my sister.  Thanks.

Love, Lisa

Eight years ago this morning, one of my best friends, my mother, moved on to another dimension.  I was present at her bedside, watching the heart monitor countdown to zero, like a new year’s eve event.  When the clock struck “12″, if you will, there was a celebration, just not in that hospital room.  “Mom” had returned to the non-physical world and her spirit friends were throwing one hell of a party.

In honor of my mother, Vera Miles, I return to my blog with a love letter.

Lou,

I know that time has no meaning where you are.  But for us, eight difficult years have passed.   I must admit that it doesn’t seem that long most times.  Your sickness was so much a part of my life that the events of your last 6 months remain quite vivid.

I find it funny that even from the other side, you have no patience for my tears.  “Tears don’t bring back the dead and they don’t move me,” rings loud and clear in my ears every time I’ve wanted to (as T would say), “boo-hoo bubble-snot cry.”  How the hell do you have less patience as a spirit??  Silly woman.

But that was one of your many gifts.  You taught me from an early age that one day I’d have to get along without you.  I never wanted to face the probability that I might outlive you or Daddy.  But you always found a way to make me laugh while thinking about your death.   Even at your bedside and during the funeral preparations, you were pointing out things that were funny to you, trying to get me to look beyond my own pain and see that even in death, there is something beautiful and even funny to behold.

Thank you, Mom, for helping me remember to laugh at myself.  For pushing me out of the nest and believing that I would remember I could fly.  Thank you for the memories of snowball fights and driving lessons.  For always asking if I wanted to lick the bowl of cake mix and for never asking why the frozen peaches and cherries had mysterious holes in them.  Most of all Mom, thanks for picking me to be your daughter.  I was and stiill am humbled and ever so grateful to be Vera’s youngest.

G’night.

Love, Sue