I can’t believe that it’s been some 14 days since the election and I have yet to write about it.

Truth is, I’m not sure if I have the words.  But Alice Walker, the award winning author of The Color Purple, voiced many of the thoughts I’ve been having about the Obamas since the election.

Many thanks to my dear mentor and friend, coach and author Mary McHenry, for taking some time out of her busy schedule to share this with me.

Open Letter to Barack Obama from Alice Walker
Nov. 5, 2008

Dear Brother Obama,

You have no idea, really, of how profound this moment is for us. Us being the black people of the Southern United States. You think you know, because you are thoughtful, and you have studied our history. But seeing you deliver the torch so many others before you carried, year after year, decade after decade, century after century, only to be struck down before igniting the flame of justice and of law, is almost more than the heart can bear. And yet, this observation is not intended to burden you, for you are of a different time, and, indeed, because of all the relay runners before you, North America is a different place. It is really only to say: Well done.

We knew, through all the generations, that you were with us, in us, the best of the spirit of Africa and of the Americas. Knowing this, that you would actually appear, someday, was part of our strength. Seeing you take your rightful place, based solely on your wisdom, stamina and character, is a balm for the weary warriors of hope, previously only sung about.

I would advise you to remember that you did not create the disaster that the world is experiencing, and you alone are not responsible for bringing the world back to balance. A primary responsibility that you do have, however, is to cultivate happiness in your own life. To make a schedule that permits sufficient time of rest and play with your gorgeous wife and lovely daughters. And so on. One gathers that your family is large. We are used to seeing men in the White House soon become juiceless and as white-haired as the building; we notice their wives and children looking strained and stressed. They soon have smiles so lacking in joy that they remind us of scissors. This is no way to lead. Nor does your family deserve this fate.

One way of thinking about all this is: It is so bad now that there is no excuse not to relax. From your happy, relaxed state, you can model real success, which is all that so many people in the world really want. They may buy endless cars and houses and furs and gobble up all the attention and space they can manage, or barely manage, but this is because it is not yet clear to them that success is truly an inside job. That it is within the reach of almost everyone.

I would further advise you not to take on other people’s enemies. Most damage that others do to us is out of fear, humiliation and pain. Those feelings occur in all of us, not just in those of us who profess a certain religious or racial devotion. We must learn actually not to have enemies, but only confused adversaries who are ourselves in disguise. It is understood by all that you are commander in chief of the United States and are sworn to protect our beloved country; this we understand, completely. However, as my mother used to say, quoting a Bible with which I often fought, “hate the sin, but love the sinner.” There must be no more crushing of whole communities, no more torture, no more dehumanizing as a means of ruling a people’s spirit. This has already happened to people of color, poor people, women, children. We see where this leads, where it has led.

A good model of how to “work with the enemy” internally is presented by the Dalai Lama, in his endless caretaking of his soul as he confronts the Chinese government that invaded Tibet. Because, finally, it is the soul that must be preserved, if one is to remain a credible leader. All else might be lost; but when the soul dies, the connection to earth, to peoples, to animals, to rivers, to mountain ranges, purple and majestic, also dies. And your smile, with which we watch you do gracious battle with unjust characterizations, distortions and lies, is that expression of healthy self-worth, spirit and soul, that, kept happy and free and relaxed, can find an answering smile in all of us, lighting our way, and brightening the world.

We are the ones we have been waiting for.

In Peace and Joy,
Alice Walker

Let us remember to keep our focus on the best in each other.

With love,

Lisa

I had a breakthrough of sorts today as I begin to move forward in restructuring my business.  As is usually the case, Paul, my greatest teacher, showed up in my thoughts to facilitate my learning.

I was frustrated by this “reappearance” but I know that resisting it only creates more drama.  So, I got curious and reached out to a friend for support.

Her question:  What do you still need from him?

Nothing.

I suddenly felt freer than I ever have.  And then I realized that “need” is what has kept me tied to him so long.   I needed him to be different than he was.  To show up for me in a way that served me.

And as long as I needed him to change, to be different that he WAS, the drama would remain.  (And it did for over 20 years!)

Hmm…

I then began to examine my other relationships.

I’ve never needed my husband.   I love being around him.  I feel better when he’s around.  His presence enhances my life-always has.  But I don’t need him to be anything other than who he is.  Perhaps that’s why we’ve been so happy for 21 years.

As I looked around at my closest friendships, I could see the same pattern.  I am surrounded by people who enhance my life.  I need nothing from them and feel blessed by their presence. I like who they are and wouldn’t change a thing about them.

Every relationship I’ve had that “failed” was just the opposite.  I was looking for something from those people.  When they gave it to me, life was great.  When they withdrew what I needed, things got dicey.  I became angry/defensive/manipulative/obsessed/depressed.    I had lost sight of the fact that I am complete–just as I am–and I need nothing from another being to make me feel whole. When I put those demands on someone, the relationship is doomed.

It’s true that we all want to feel needed by someone else.  We may feel our existence validated when someone needs us.  But to be the person who is needed is a LOT of pressure.  What if I disappoint?  What if I can’t deliver what you need from me whenever you need it? (Talk about performance anxiety!)

It’s easy to see why people become resentful in a relationship.  The demands of the other may simply become to great a burden to bear.   Breakdown, in one way or the other, is inevitable.

You need nothing and no one outside of you to complete you.  You are whole–as you are–NOW.

I invite you to take a look at the things and people in your life that fulfill a “need” you have.  If that person, job, etc. were to disappear, what would you be left with?  Would you feel a void?  Why?

If something in your life is filling a perceived need, ask how you can fill the need yourself?  For example, if your home provides a feeling of security, how you could you give yourself the feeling of security?

I’ve learned the hard way, NOTHING is permanent.  Everything in your life can be gone in an instant.  But I know now that my sense of worth, value and security come from within. If I need to be heard, I listen to myself.  If I need love, I ask, “how can I show love to myself today?”

As a business owner, I see that this is a great way to show up in the world.  I don’t NEED a client to provide anything to me.   I know how to give to myself.  I know that I am complete as I am and I know that my client is complete and whole as they are.  Without the need to change or fix them, I can serve from a place of love. Our relationship can be life-enhancing, not draining.  Now that’s client attractive.

What would your life be like if you were “needy no more”?

Love and hugs,

Lisa

“You were on a pedestal, so to speak, and you’ve fallen from grace.”

I never imagined the long-term impact those words would have on me because the night I heard them uttered by the man I loved, I simply wanted to die.

And on two separate occasions, I would attempt to take my own life, because the pain of losing him was more than I could bear.

When I decided that I could go on, those words had already become deeply rooted in my psyche.  I would spend the next 20+ years of my life, trying to reclaim my place.  It turns out that it wasn’t as much in his eyes, as it was my own.

In the moment that I let everything he said to me that night become my truth, I gave away my power.

Because I saw myself as the “fallen one”, I would spend years trying to prove my worth to others.

I needed their approval because I didn’t have his.

Truth was, however, that I didn’t approve of myself. 

How many of us are hung up about what we didn’t get from another person?

How many of us use our past as an excuse for why we don’t have the life we want?

How long do we have to play victim, wallow in what “they” did to us, blame our parents, our weight, our bosses, our gender or race?

When will we stop the madness?

Every time we look outside of ourselves for acceptance and approval, we have given away our power.

I left my power on the porch of Delo hall in 1985 when I told myself the story that I was nothing because he didn’t love me. 

And for over 20 years I would attract people and circumstances to support my belief of unworthiness because my power still rested in his acceptance and approval.

It didn’t matter that I had a loving life partner and beautiful daughter.

It didn’t matter that I was surrounded by great friends.

My internal story was that I was unworthy, unlovable and simply didn’t matter.

Take at look at your internal story. 

What’s happened in your past that still holds your power?  What person or circumstance are you giving your energy and attention to that no longer serves you?  What story or stories do you have running over and over again that keep you small and safe?

Reclaim your power.

It starts with a choice.  You can choose to use your power to create the life you dream of or you can continue to give it away.

It’s always your choice.

I only wish that at 20, I knew that it was this easy.  But I do now.

You don’t have to wait 20 years.  Or another second.

Reclaim your POWER…NOW.

Live More Boldly,

Lisa

In two days, I will finally walk away from my former life in another city.  I started this blog as a way to begin to heal from the painful process of letting go of everything I’d spent years building.  I’ve cried more tears, cursed “god” numerous times, and filled 3 full journals, so that I could come to grips with letting go.

In the kitchen the other night as I was thinking about the upcoming election,  I remembered Barack Obama’s campaign slogan:  “Change you can believe in.”

We don’t like change.  Most of us go out of our way to avoid it.  But, let’s face it, it’s the ONLY thing that’s constant.  You won’t always like it nor do you have to.  But it’s truly unavoidable.

Your kids will grow up.

Your parents will die.

Your job will change.

Friends will come and go.

And the list goes on.

If you’ve been spared the kind of change that brings you to your knees, than this post isn’t for you.  But if you have, I want to offer you this hope.

Einstein once said that “you can’t solve a problem with the same mind that created it. “  In other words, you have to be in a different place, think a different way,  in order to create a solution.

So, if the rug has been pulled out from under you, you’ve been given a HUGE opportunity to create something new.  Not just, tweak something here or there.  But to CONSCIOUSLY create what you REALLY, REALLY want.

When it’s all gone (or feels that way), you get to start over.  From scratch. 

And if you start to see it as an opportunity instead of a crisis, that new thinking will feel like being a little kid at Disneyland.  In other words, where do you want to start first?  How do you want to play today?

Everything can become fresh and exciting again.  Because with the old stuff all gone, you realize that you can CHOOSE what you want in it’s place.

And my friends, YOU are the Creator of your experience.

So what do you wish to choose, NOW?

I no longer want to wallow in what I’ve lost.  I no longer want to wallow about what “they” are saying about me or what “they” think.  I no longer want to feel sorry for myself or beat myself up for my “failure.”

Today I am choosing to acknowledge myself for creating these circumstances so that I could begin again.  I get to finally create a life on my terms.  I no longer give a shit  whether people think it’s silly, or that I’m this or that or the other thing.  That’s their crap.  I don’t want to fit in. 

And I am no longer playing small so that others will feel comfortable in my presence.

This is truly change I can believe in.

Look out, world.

Lisa

“The Resident Diva”

**This post is dedicated to CJ, whose writing and friendship are beautiful reminders that hiding is no longer an option.**

During my first class in coaching school, we were taken through a visualization exercise where we were supposed to meet up with our future self.    The point of the exercise was that my future self had something to share that would support me in my journey.

I won’t go into all the details of my visualization but two things have always stood out.  When I arrived at this future place in time, there were beings waiting for me in a circle.  I remember feeling overwhelmed with emotion at the sight of these beings–I could feel so much love and appreciation.  As I approached the circle, I began to make out faces.  These were people who were my champions or cheerleaders, if you will.  I could see my husband, daughter, my mother and father, and a few close friends.  I also saw people I didn’t expect to see, like a former boss and a relatively “new” friend.  I’ll never forget the look of love and appreciation in their eyes and the unconditional acceptance I felt in that circle.

I have since learned that there are more people cheering me on, loving and supporting me unconditionally than I had ever imagined.

The same goes for you.  You just have to be open to seeing it and letting go of the ways you believe their support should look like. 

The second thing I remember about the visualization is the gift my future self gave me. 

A key.

A very large key.   So large, it required two hands to hold it. 

When I asked what it meant, ‘I’ replied, “You know.”

And now, I do.

All along, I have held the key to freedom.  I have held the key to peace.   I have the key to ending all the suffering in my life.  Now.

The key?  Acceptance.

I can continue to wish that my financial situation were different.  I can continue to be angry at Paul for not loving me back.  I can continue to be outraged by the genocide in Darfur, the global food crisis or the price of gas.  I continue to berate myself for not being smart enough, thin enough, pretty enough, good enough in any number of situations in my past.

And the suffering continues.

The key is to accept what is.  Right now. 

The truth is, I could not have made a different decision than wallowing in the shit Paul and I created.  I could not have made a different decision about my career, my finances, my business, than the ones I made at the time.  I couldn’t have chosen to not hurt someone feelings or not to have the all-too-frequent temper tantrums of my past. 

You see, the person I was at those moments was only capable of making the decision that was made.  Everything I had learned and believed at that time translated into my behaviors and actions.  (The same goes for those around you.  They, too, are only making the decisions they are capable of at that moment.)

Change the input-thoughts and beliefs-you change the action.  This my friend, is how we grow. 

Moment-to-moment.  Choice-by-choice.

Where ever you are today, is EXACTLY where you should be.  Accept it.  Whatever has happened in your past, accept it.  Whatever “they’ve” done to you, accept it.   You can’t have peace until you do.

I invite you to make a decision with me, right now, to end your suffering. 

• stop comparing yourself to others
• stop regretting your past
• stop wishing people (circumstances, etc.) were different
• stop believing that you are anything but whole and complete NOW.

Only you can stop your suffering.

I’ve offered you the key. 

Will you take it?

“Which would you rather have, Lisa?  To be right or have peace?”

I remember the 1st time a coach asked me that question.  I laughed aloud. 

DUH.

To be right, stupid.  Of course.

As my corporate job continued it’s life-sucking drain,  I remember standing on the curb many evenings waiting for my husband and thinking, “I just want peace.”

Back then, I believed the only way I was going to have it was to quit or die.  And trust me, I was much closer to choosing death than walking out the door on my own.

Long before my career turned into a nightmare, I was fascinated by the concept of “peace.”  World peace.  Divine peace. Inner peace.   It all sounded good.   But if you are anything like me, you may secretly believe that it’s not really attainable…at least not in our lifetime.

But, in my quest to be “right”, I refused to accept that I could not find peace for myself.   I kept looking, ’cause by God, I was going to prove that at least I could have it.  I have been amazed, however, by the way I have found it.

For “fun”,  I watch Christian televison with my daughter.  I don’t mean to mock anyone here, but I left organized religion behind some years ago.  Since I live in Republican/conservative Christian territory, I am constantly around people who have a deep belief in Jesus and Christianity as the only path to God.

So I watch Christian TV to “train” myself to be open-minded and tolerant of beliefs that run counter to my own.

This experiment has had mixed results..at best.  Until today.  Ironically during a show called, “Breakthrough.”  (You have to love the Universe’s sense of humor.)

At the beginning of the show, the pastor was ranting and raving about a bill in Congress that may require networks to show differing points of view.  He asked, “How would you feel if I had to share the stage with a Muslim cleric or someone from Planned Parenthood?..”  As he spoke, you could see his absolute, ferverent belief that such a thing would lead to our destruction..blah, blah, blah.   He was trying to convince viewers that if they were given access to an alternative point of view, America as we know it, would fall into ruin.

I just sat there.  And laughed.  

And then I got up and offered a silent blessing.  And actually meant it.

You see, that’s what he believes.  And he would die for that belief.  And today, I realized that I could get myself all in a tizzy about what I see as his fear, intolerance or just plain stupidity or..hmm..I could choose to honor his belief and choose to be a peace.

It was eye-opening and HA! and major “breakthrough.”

Everyday we encounter people who don’t see the world as we do.  Because they see thru different filters, they have developed different beliefs.  And those beliefs, even the ones others may deem as “destructive” or “evil” some how, in some way, are serving that person.

And they serve you and me, too.

Because each time we are confronted with an opposing point of view, we get the opportunity to choose.  Do I want to be right?  Or do I want to feel peace?

Arguing and trying to convince the other person doesn’t make you feel good.  Self-righteous.  Yes.   But really, do you feel good in your spirit after “winning” an argument?

I learned today that I could honor his belief and choose to honor myself by making the choice to smile, bless him, and find my peaceful place.   There really is no “right” or “wrong,” my friends.  It’s all in your perception.  I get that now.

So today, I invite you to join with me in choosing peace.  Instead of vehemently defending your position with someone, say, “Hmm…I see your point.  Thank you for giving me a different perspective.”  And really mean it.

Practiced enough, I guarantee that you’ll experience something that feels so good, your arguing days will become a thing of the past. 

It begins with one step.  A commitment to choose PEACE above all else.

Are you with me?

Let’s choose PEACE.

A couple of days ago, I was contacted by a potential client who mentioned that she’d looked me up on the web and found my blog.

I was shocked at my reaction.

This blog?  You mean, Lisa-Unmasked?  OMG. 

I was mortified.

And then, I had to laugh at myself.

As you know, I don’t keep this blog for business reasons nor do I expect anyone to actually read it.  I am flattered that people do and I love the feedback.

But I write this blog to honor myself.  For far too long, I have lived in fear of what others thought.  While that didn’t stop me from opening my mouth, the fear made me question my worth and even my right, to speak candidly and express how a situation appeared to me or made me feel.

I write this this blog to honor the part of me that refused to die, even when I and so many others, tried to kill her.

So, my reaction to this woman “finding” me was surprising.  And then, pretty damned funny.

In some way, I am still hiding.  Still afraid of what others will think or how they’ll react by seeing me–raw and naked.  Lisa-Unmasked isn’t meant to be “pretty” or “perfect.”  It’s meant to be ALL me.

And there I was, frightened that someone I didn’t know had found me.   Seen me.

HA!

After I stopped laughing at my reaction, I stopped for a minute and honored that part of me that is still afraid of being out here.  I spoke to her like a little girl who is afraid of the dark or of monsters in her closet.   And together, we turned on the lights and discovered, there is nothing to fear when we are true to ourselves.  When we let the world see us- when we see ourselves - perfect in our imperfections, then we no longer show up “less than” in order to make someone else feel better in our presence.  When we like “us”, it stops mattering if “they” like us.

Loving yourself, anyway, is the greatest gift you can give yourself…and the world.  For when we can love ourselves completely, we can allow others to be who they are and love them..anyway..just as they are.

And do you think that might contribute to peace on earth?? 

Oh, by the way….she hired me.

For years I have debated with myself about whether God actually listens, much less speaks to me.  I know that those doubts stem from the heartache and disappointments I’ve experienced because in the midst of such drama, I feel as if I’m alone.

As my spiritual journey went off the beaten path down a steep, unpaved, narrow mountain “road”, I ve come to see that many of us spend all this time “talking” to God, but few of us take the time to listen.  I wanted God to speak to me in a way that I understood, and when that didn’t happen, I could dismiss prayer and all other forms of communication as bogus.

The truth that I have uncovered for myself–God speaks to us ALL the time.

So the question isn’t whether God is listening to you.  The question is:  Are you listening to God?

A few years ago while in Connecticut, I heard a voice.  Turns out it was a tree.  Yes, a tree.  

 After I realized that I wasn’t crazy, I found that trees and some plants actually “talk” to me.  Some just laugh at the way I’m behaving, others offer comfort and still others, just ask me to stop and take notice.   As I got used to this phenomenon, I decided to ask my one and only houseplant if it talked and whether she had a name. (I have NO idea what this plant is and that I haven’t killed it is PROOF that miracles happen.)   She laughed at me, said her name was Astrid and wondered if I was ever going to get around to listening to her.   See, I talked to “it” all the time.  I just never took the time to hear her.

In the midst of my financial crisis, I’ve taken to writing to ease the pain, but never did I actively seek for signs that God was trying to tell me something.  I was angry and distraught at the loss of my livlihood and all the things I’d worked for.  But there was a deeper message–one I apparently wasn’t ready to hear.

Until I saw the snake.

Now, I have lived 43 years without ever seeing a snake up close.  Yet there it was at my back door.  Over the past few weeks, I’ve seen several.  I just have to look out my window.  Many of you reading this know that I freaked out and have had many a meltdown over them.  Yet you encouraged me to look for the meaning.   And I have.

As I started to embrace the snakes, then spiders began showing up.  Another major yuck for me.   This time, instead of freaking out, I stopped and said, “what are you trying to tell me.  I am listening.”

The answers came quickly.

Swift change is coming into my life.  It is time to let go of the old me and accept and love the new me.   I’ve had to “shed the skin” of all the illusions of my former life because I was not living a life that was created from my soul’s greatest intention.  The spider helped me see that as I bridge my past and future, that the strength that I need to draw upon is at my core-my center.  From that authentic place, the life my soul has intended all along can be created. 

And like the spider who trusts that the web it has created will support it, I too, can trust that living from my center, from my soul, will provide me with all the love,  power, courage, and sustenance I will ever need.

God is speaking to you in so many ways. 

Are you listening?

One of the biggest challenges in this journey of rebuilding my belief system, was learning that right and wrong are subjective.  We often say that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” however I have come to learn that everything we see and therefore judge, really stems from one’s limited perspective. 

In my diversity work, I used to refer to it as filter or lenses.  You know how two people can observe the same thing, yet report back two very different stories?  Their brains have processed what they saw based on many experiences.  And since no 2 people have the same set of experiences, doesn’t it stand to reason that maybe, those experiences “taint” the way they view things?

So the same could apply to “right” and “wrong.”  As Americans, we tend to think our way is the way.  Many people supported the Iraq war (and still do).  We thought we were ridding the world of an evil and freeing the Iraqi people.  But that “evil” turned out to be a stabilizing force in that region.  And the resulting insurgency certainly doesn’t seem to view Americans as saviors.  A favorite line in a James Bond movie, “one man’s terrorist in another man’s freedom fighter.”  Again, it all depends on the view through your lenses.

All that said, I have begun to apply these ideas to people that have deeply hurt me.  As my evolution continues, I know that everything that had transpired was a part of our soul agreement.  Yes, I’m saying,  I asked to be treated badly.

I’ve learned to stop and ask, “what do I need to learn from this?” or “why did I bring this experience here?  what was I hoping to learn?”   These are never easy questions to ask when you’re in pain.  I get that.  But blame has left me powerless because I get to be the victim.  I get to tell the story over and over again about how so and so treated me badly.

So as I was making my morning coffee, the words came to me, “I release the need to make you wrong for the choices you’ve made in our relationship.” Suddenly, I felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me and then an incredible lightness.  It was as if the heaviness in my heart pulled up anchor and floated away.  I was free.

What if today, instead of being right, you chose to be free?  What if you chose peace over victimhood?  What if you chose to love that person…anyway?

Free yourself.  As my friend and mentor, Jenny, would say, “i triple dog dare you!”