Being me

“What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?”~ Oriah Mountain Dreamer

This quote is on the back of my business cards and serves as a reminder of why I want to serve in the world–to help people fully and freely express who they really are. 

For years, I’ve accepted the criticism that there was something wrong with me.  I once was told I didn’t get a job because I talk too much with my hands.   As a varsity cheerleader in high school, the advisor once pulled me aside and asked me to “mess up” occasionally in practice because I intimidated the other girls with my “perfection.”  At the age of 7 (yes 7!) my mother told me that I would have to marry outside my race because I wanted to much in the world.

Yep, I was broken and needed fixing.

It wasn’t until I was 38 years old when the lights went on for me and this quote showed up shortly thereafter.

There I was, sitting in the diversity director’s office of our department, being told by the very person that was entrusted to create an environment where people could be comfortable being themselves, that I needed to change.   

What?

I remember looking around the room for witnesses when I heard this voice in my head shout, “BULLSHIT. Who you are IS more than good enough.  You just don’t belong here.”

And 18 months later, I resigned, so that I could become more of the person I really am.

I’ve come a long way and with the launch of this blog, declared to myself that I’m OK as I am.

But a funny thing happened to me yesterday as I sat down to write this entry.

I went off to my friend’s blog for inspiration.  Jenny has a Master in Fine Arts from NYU and has been writing for years.  Her blog is a very deep look at her personal process.  It’s raw at times, because what she writes about, we all can relate to.  I have deep admiration for her courage to speak her truth and stay true to herself.  I know how difficult that path is.

But when I came back to write, I felt inferior.  Less than.  In a sense, I was writing to compete with Jenny. 

WTF?

So I walked away and began wondering.  Why do we compare ourselves to others?  Why is it that we are entertained by another’s demise or beat ourselves up when Sally loses more weight or gets the great guy?  Why can’t we accept ourselves as we are NOW?

What if there is nothing wrong with us AT ALL?

If I chose to see everyone and everything as PERFECT, what would change in my life? 

What stories or excuses would I have to give up? 

What new opportunities would become available if I truly believed that being me was the greatest gift I could give myself and the best way I could serve others? 

Shit.  I guess I’d choose to stop hiding. Or trying to be as witty as Whoopi, or as pretty as Halle or write like Jenny.

I guess I’d choose to love myself NOW.

What a concept.

So this year, it’s my intention to experience the love of God on a truly intimate level.  I believe that if I could know and experience the love of my Creator so fully, so deeply, that loving myself completely would naturally be the outcome.

But here’s the fun part of that intention that was revealed to me in meditation

When I love myself, I can help others see the greatness that lies within them.  I simply become a mirror for the greatness in YOU.

And if more people could see the truth of how amazing they really are, what kind of world would we create?

I promise that this year, I will be more and more ME!