Are We Missing the Point?
The following post includes a 9/11 call of a Texas woman who admits to killing her two autistic children. It may be disturbing to some readers, so I wanted to warn you accordingly.
This audio showed up in my Facebook stream the other day and of course, I saw the usual (and expected) comments of horrified mothers and fathers.
I had a different reaction.
As I read the stream of condemnation, some disappointed that she may not get the death penalty, I heard this question:
Are they missing the point?
Hmmm..
While I certainly understand the outrage, I don’t feel it.
I asked myself, “what will putting her death accomplish?”
How will autistic children be served by a life-long jail sentence?
How will this condemnation change anything for her children?
How is the greater good served in taking this woman’s life away?
The only answer: What do you think, Lisa?
I realized that nothing we say or do can change what she did. We cannot execute her enough times to bring her children back.
They are gone.
And once again, we are faced with a choice.
Compassion or condemnation.
Love or fear.
I’m beginning to see that everything comes down to this.
Will we choose love?
Or will we choose fear?
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out what our default setting is in this country.
We condemn. We judge. We hate.
We hide behind our “laws” our so-called “morality”, our religious teachings, our belief that some of us are indeed superior to others and therefore have earned some right to judge, condemn, and kill them.
All the while, missing the point.
What would love do?
None of us ever knows what we’d do in another person’s shoes.
From my perspective, my background, my experiences, my upbringing, my circumstances, it’s easy for me to sit here and say I would never kill my own child.
But when she was just a few weeks old and I was covered in hives and exhausted from being up all night and home alone all day with a cranky baby, I could have.
In fact, in the moment that I realized that if I picked her up, I would probably hurt her, a call to my mother, 2000 miles away, probably saved her life.
Until that moment, I could *never* understand how a mother could shake her baby to death.
But I do now.
I haven’t a clue what it is like to live with an autistic child, much less two.
I have no idea what was going through this woman’s head day in and day out as she dealt with her frustration of not having “normal” kids.
I have no idea of what she dreamed for her life and how far off track she was from those dreams.
But I do understand anger, frustration, hopelessness, helplessness and a desire to make it all stop.
And I bet you do, too.
I am by no means, condoning what she has done.
I am simply choosing not to judge it either.
And I am inviting you to see if differently.
And as hard as it may be, I am asking you to look upon this woman with the love and compassion you’d want.
The love and compassion you deserve.
Because, she deserves it, too.
The legal system is going to do what it does in this case.
But you, my friend, will do something different.
You’ll get the point.
12 Responses to “Are We Missing the Point?”
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This is why, day in and day out you are the #bff to end all bffs. You "get it" that life is not (pardon the cliche) black or white — it's every. freaking. day.
I knew that in this lifetime children weren't the way for me – but god I love them as the amazing creatures they can be. and heaven knows they torment too — you see — it's MY reaction to them, not them at all that I choose to review.
I do know that my dogs have both, in their own ways, made me realize why people say "dogs are too much work" and so on…. so who am I to say what I would do with another human life.
I like sleep. I prefer things to be in order (more or less) and like to be headstrong and in charge. I can't imagine an autistic child or a child with special needs as my full time life. Being a mother of a healthy, willful, "socially acceptable" child is a FULL TIME Job (as you know) and you become "Xs Mom"…so you must, even in that situation be 100% clear on who you are as a person…if your child is not the "social norm" and has needs that stretch you … yes, you must be super woman.
Again, I do NOT condone this behavior…but I do ask, where in our society we are to hold and help and hug the mothers (and fathers) of children with special needs…although it's a cliche — are we not a village tasked with raising our children? So why are we not helping the children's parents who are exhausted or stretched beyond their capacity?
Oh Lisa, thank you.
Hugs,
Peggie,
Have you ever had one of those moments where you said, “This isn’t what I signed up for?”
Even with the best of support systems, when the fantasy or expectation of our lives doesn’t meet the reality and day after day after day, you are reminded of this mismatch…it gets pretty freakin’ painful.
Some of us eat. Some of us smoke. Some of us watch reality TV. We find some way to medicate. To numb the pain.
And then…some of us just lose it.
I wish we could waive a magic wand and stop these tragedies from happening.
But we do have a choice on how to respond when they do.
The village needs to come together in support, not condemnation. We can’t save these kids. But we have no idea of how our loving response may help this woman and her family and someone else in their shoes.
And maybe, just maybe, we start by redefining “normal.” The labels are way too much to bear.
We just had a similar case here in CO where a woman killed her infant son because she thought he might be autistic. What is being left out of the story is that she was very likely suffering post-partum depression.
There’s no shortage of outrage and condemnation, and precious little compassion or understanding.
I guess I’m just glad to know I’m not the only one who wonders if there’s another response possible in these (admittedly horrific) cases.
Liz,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
You reminded me of that old quote about the definition of insanity – "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result."
If judgment and condemnation were working so well, why are the prisons so full? (Never mind that they are now big business)
We have to keep asking or at be willing to entertain the idea that perhaps "there is another way."
Thank you for being willing to do so, Liz!
You hit the nail on the head, Lisa. Do we choose love or fear? Shortly after 9/11, Gary Zukav suggested that we as a nation and each of us individually had a choice which road we were going to go down — love or fear. And we all know what we chose. Did it work? It’s painfully obvious it didn’t.
As for the woman in Texas, I’m not usually a Bible quoter since I’m not Christian. However, what springs to my mind every time every time the subject of capital punishment comes up is this. “Revenge is mine, sayeth the Lord.”
Another quote comes to mind. “There but for the grace of God go I.” Even though we don’t understand her or condone her actions, surely we can find compassion in our hearts for this poor woman. Surely we can choose love, can’t we?
I love that quote, Carol, "There but for the grace of God go I". I began to realize that if I could duplicate someone else's EXACT experiences, see the world EXACTLY as they do, FEEL what they feel, then maybe, just maybe I could judge their choices.
And then I realized that if I could, I'd make the same choice they did.
Funny as I read your comment, I have a documentary on about 9/11. The question of "how" we could let it happen. What did the government know? When we will ask, what could we do as a nation, not with our defense systems, but in our hearts, in our policies and treatment of people around the world, to prevent this from happening again?
Have you noticed in your short lifetime that violence for violence isn't exactly working?
We can do better. We can BE better. We can choose love.
Whoa…at first I didn't even want to hear the 911 call. Then when I summoned the courage to click and started to listen; tears welled up in my eyes. I have total compassion for her. After a little reflection, one question comes to mind, "How come she felt so desperate and helpless that she would take her children's lives?" The answer: Society has failed her; WE failed her.
Ouch.
Yes, we failed her, Pam.
And in this moment (again) we can choose.
We can choose to condemn or judge ourselves for failing to create and support any system that may have made a difference for this woman & her family.
Or we can show ourselves compassion.
How amazing is it that your eyes could well up with tears? That you could feel anything about this situation – whether it be anger, sadness, guilt?
That we can still feel is a great sign.
So, I ask, what would be most helpful now? What has the power to transform this situation into something that could benefit everyone who has been touched by it?
I think it's Love and Compassion. From this place, miracles can happen. We can create and dream things we'd not have access to when we are coming from a place of condemnation.
We can create HEALING.
I am so glad you trusted yourself enough to listen to the call and share your comment.
#loveyou
Wonderful post, Lisa, and your comment says it all.
I don't believe in capital punishment, period. Doesn't matter what the person did. I don't usually use the Bible to back up my arguments but it clearly says, "Thou shalt not kill." I think that should apply to governments as well as citizens.
However, being a chicken when it comes to debate, I usually point to the innocent people who have been sent to death row and say we can't afford to take that chance. Which doesn't apply in this case where there's no doubt about guilt, so I have to revert back to my true belief, that governments shouldn't be killing people — even though they do it all the time.
LaVonne Ellis recently posted..Interview- Alexia Petrakos
LaVonne Ellis recently posted..Interview- Alexia Petrakos
Thanks, LaVonne.
A few years ago, I was given a vision of the world as a huge container of water. Each person on the planet could add to that body of water through their feelings.
It was interesting that for every emotion based in love, like hope, joy, gratitude, surrender – the container of water got clearer. For each emotion based in fear – greed, hate, judgment, shame – the water got cloudy. No matter how much fear was being dumped into this container, 1 drop of love cleared it up. It was amazing to see.
Perhaps we don't need to engage in debate. No religious conversations or scriptural references. Just exercise love. Keep asking, "What would love do?"
I'd be curious to hear how that works for your stickier conversations.
So glad you added your lovely voice. Have missed you.