I wrote this post during my “blogcation”. I have read it dozens of times. Even shared it with my bff’s , Lori and Susan, for feedback. Yet I couldn’t bring myself to hit “publish”. As I read it (again) I figured out why. One: I am heart-broken that I will probably never get the chance to say, “I’m sorry” face-to-face to the person who inspired this post. Two: I am ashamed that I dismissed and hurt someone so deeply because I couldn’t accept what they were offering with a grateful heart. And three: It’s embarrassing to admit that trusting myself is still hard when I’m in pain. (Yet it’s when I need to do it the most.)
Whatever we are waiting for – peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance – it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart. Sarah Ban Breathnach
Several weeks ago just after I wrote “I Wish You Were Dead,” I had an epiphany.
I knew it was coming. Writing that post was very painful and the Universe was desperately trying to get me to take on a new perspective about an old situation. I just wasn’t going there willingly.
I was (still) angry.
I was (still) hurting.
And I wanted the resolution I wanted.
Not the one being offered.
Let’s try this again
As my spiritual journey has unfolded, I’ve become more aware of the patterns in my life. The blame and victim-hood cycle. The wallowing. The inability to let go, especially when I was invested in something or someone. When I was ALL in.
Eventually the “a-ha” moment comes. The “I get it now” declaration that comes when all of the pain actually makes sense.
I still experience all of those stages. Sometimes I move through them very quickly. But with some situations in my life, I am deeply immersed. The lesson has yet to be presented.
No, scratch that.
I have not yet opened myself enough to see the lesson.
Whether I am unable or unwilling to see the lesson right away doesn’t much matter. For me, it’s crucial that I at least believe there is a lesson available as this creates the space for it to present itself.
And that’s what that post gave me. Space. (The Uni is so smart.)
Perspective, Perspective, Perspective
Back to the epiphany.
So there I was in the middle of morning pages one day and found myself writing “I didn’t get what I wanted from you.” And just like magic, these words followed:
I gave you all I had.
Now for years, I have been fond of saying, “People do the best they can with what they have.”
(Except when some dumbass says it back to you and you think their “best” sucks air.)
Now, I know that the statement is true, but the good ol’ Universe knew that I wasn’t getting it.
So, when I was ready, I heard it differently.
Just because someone didn’t give you what you wanted doesn’t mean they didn’t give you all they had.
Stop for a moment and really take that in.
They gave you all they had.
No one short-changed you.
No one cheated you.
They really gave you their all.
And then this gem.
What if, you could actually be grateful for the all they did give you instead of focusing on what you felt you didn’t get?
Now, can you see how it changes things…even just a little bit?
Can you see that in any given situation people give all they are capable of…in that moment. If they had more, they would give it. If you had more (time, energy, money, patience, attention, etc) you’d give it.
You give all you can in any given moment.
Suddenly I understood that enough becomes a matter of perspective.
I could see that enough is all there is.
He did enough.
This is enough.
I am enough.
Believing in enough-ness is still very new to me.
We are so driven in Western society towards Bigger. Better. More.
Everywhere we look, we are “told” we are falling behind, that we are less than as we are until we buy that house, acquire the latest gadget or get that next promotion, or reach 10,000 subscribers on your blog.
So of course, it becomes easy to see the people who fall short of our expectations as less than as well. If he just did (fill in the blank) he’d finally “measure up.”
It’s a never ending chase.
But you can’t chase enough-ness.
You can’t acquire it.
You can’t demand it.
It just is.
And it’s your job to expand into it.
To move past the illusion and see a new truth.
To open your heart and mind to it.
There is enough air.
There is enough love.
There is enough of everything you need.
No matter what is happening, it is enough. As it is.
I Get it Now
As I wrap up this post, not having any idea where it was going, I realize this is what contentment is.
Allowing yourself to expand into the truth of enough-ness, you become content. At ease. Peaceful.
It doesn’t mean you don’t desire more.
More is just no longer centered on “acquisition.”
It’s about awareness.
Becoming more and more aware that nothing and no one needs to be “fixed” and seeing the perfection of what “is”.
That all I am today…is enough.
All I did today…was enough.
And the next day.
And forever more.
I promise that I will always give you all I have.
And I know that you are doing the same for me.
I love you.