I’m taking a business class for the next several weeks and last night was given this assignment (estimated to take 5-8 HOURS) to really explore what makes me unique.  I’m to discover what my talents are so that I can articulate what sets me apart from every other coach/consultant out there.

I freaked.

I’ve been here before and refused to do the work.  The “lie” I have told myself is that I’m not good at anything.  There is nothing unique, nothing special, nothing extraordinary about me.  If there were, why did I hear almost daily for 15 years in my job all the things that were wrong with me?

I won’t get into all the reasons I attracted those people and why it was necessary for me to have those experiences.  It happened.  I learned.  And have moved on.

But last night brought up all sorts of fears.  So, I stopped the instructor and asked the group for support.  Basically, I told them, that without some encouragement, I will quit and go home and continue to wallow in my “not enoughness.”

The response was overwhelming.

The support that came from those women, even this morning, brings tears to my eyes.  I literally felt like I was being group hugged and that somehow, each would offer support in a way that felt good to them.  But bottom line, they’d be there.  (BTW–this was the 1st class and these women are complete strangers to me.)

But that’s not even the best part.

I cried and got all choked up as I asked for help.  I put my fears and insecurities on the table.  I was raw and vunerable.

And then one person said, how moved she was by my honesty and vulnerability.  That for her, the key to a successful life was being open, honest and allowing oneself to be vunerable.  It was so important to her to be surrounded by people who were willing to do what I’d done.  She was touched to her core.

Now, I’m sure I don’t have to tell a few of you, that on more than one occasion, my honesty and vunerability sent people running in the other direction.  Those that stayed would tell me how brutal I was or that I was simply too sensitive.  Rarely was I ever applauded for “keepin’ it real.”

But last night, a total stranger, changed all that.  5 amazing women that I have not and may never meet face-to-face,  allowed me the space to be who I am.  And then thanked me for it. 

As I write this now, I realize that I am closer to my dreams than I ever imagined.  I am consistently attracting women into my business and into my life who know and appreciate the power of acknowledging someone for who they ARE.

If not for last night, I may have continued down this path not realizing that I was on the right road after all.

Who can you acknowledge today?

And what can you acknowledge about yourself?

I know you rock.  And I LOVE you for it!

I’ve been trying to “learn” to meditate for about 3 years now.  

As a coach, many clients have told me that they talk to god all the time, but never get an answer.  My question to them was: Do you shut up long enough to listen?

I know that god speaks in the silence.  In the smile of a stranger or in the beauty of a snowflake or in the simplicity of children playing.  Some days..I hear.  But most days, I feel left out.

Why doesn’t god speak to me?

Why won’t my mind shut up long enough to pay attention?

Am I afraid of what I’ll hear?

Perhaps I’m making it too hard.  We’ve established that I have a tendency toward that.

What if God is speaking to me thru my writing?  Perhaps thru the wonderful people who stop by my blog-regardless of whether the leave a comment or not. 

What if god is speaking to me in the questions I ask rather than the answers I seek?

How might god be speaking to you?

I’m listening..

AND asking questions. 

Before I went to bed last night, I wrote in my journal that “I hate god” and essentially told god to f- off.

And yes, I woke up alive and well today.

The truth of the matter is that I hate myself. 

I hate myself for the drama I’ve created in my life.

I hate myself for believing what other people said about me as TRUTH.

I hate myself for doubting my intuitive abilities and believing that there was something “wrong” with me.

I hate myself for trying to be something I wasn’t, just so others would like me.

I hate myself for spending 15 years at a job that I knew DAY 1 was not a place for me.

And most of all, I hate myself for ever believing that I wasn’t beautiful, magnificent, worthy and perfect JUST AS I AM. 

I’ve spent too long living a lie and the pain is almost more than I can bear. 

At 43 years old, I am starting over again.  In a new place, leaving behind a life of comfort and familiarity.

That comfort and familiarity came at great cost.  The price was even higher when I decided I could find it outside of society’s definition  of success.

But the price of not hearing my own soul far outweighed the loss of my financial and material stability.

Because I listened so long to others, I don’t know who I am.

And that sucks.

And I’m pissed off.  at god.  and myself.

I’ve made my life harder than it ever had to be because I drowned out the voice of my soul. 

I realize that god doesn’t make life hard.  We do.  We have been taught that in order to be accepted and approved of by others, including god, we have to do, be or say certain things.  If not, we are punished.  Rejected, ridiculed, scorned or even condemned to eternal damnation.

C’mon.

Do you think the people telling you that you have to be a certain way don’t have an agenda of their own?  Who really benefits from all of the “shoulds” placed on you?  I’m not saying there isn’t a place for rules and laws, but perhaps we should spend more time questioning instead of rolling over in compliance believing “they” know more about how we should live our lives than we do.

They don’t.  It’s time we stop giving our power away. 

And it’s time I stop giving my power away to ANYTHING outside of me.  It’s time to get to know ME and listen to the voice of my soul.

That’s what makes life “easy” and it’s the way we are meant to live.

My new “rules”

show up.

trust all is well.

then live like I believe that with every fiber of my being.

Kids do that until we “rule” it out of them.  It’s called “play.”

Years and years of following someone else’s  rules has left my body severely unbalanced, my sense of humor non-existent, and most importantly, left me hating myself.

god made it easy.

i made it hard.

The time has come to question more and do less.  The time has come to examine and re-examine my own  beliefs, to see if they are serving my best and highest good.  Not someone else’s ego.  The time has come to create a life that reflects who I REALLY am and not what anyone else would “approve” of.

It isn’t about them.  

THIS IS ABOUT ME.

I encourage you to create your own rules.  Trust your own instincts.  God wants you to live OUT LOUD in a way that only you can.  I cannot express your essence through me.  Only you can express you. 

And today, I’m going to express me and play.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

pissed off and playing anyway….

lisa

It’s not every day one wakes up without the weight of a 23 year old issue.

But today, I did.  

WOOHOO!!

The story of how I came to be burdened with crap for 23 years is long and juicy.  And quite frankly, for the 1st time since 1985, I have no real desire to rehash it.  Not here.  Maybe, not ever again.

The short version is simply this:  At 20 years old, my best friend (and the 1st man I believed I was deeply in love with) literally walked away from our friendship.  Quite abruptly.  With intimate knowledge of my deepest fears and insecurites, he used the power of his words to inflict maximum damage.  After feeling like I was being beaten in a prize fight, he finished by ripping my heart out with this parting comment, “What you have to say no longer matters.”

I never saw it coming.

And for most of my adult life, I have  carried those words from that conversation in my psyche as if they were the gospel truth.  I mean, let’s face it, if he could say such a thing, then clearly, I really didn’t matter.  Nothing I said or did ever would.

And because our beliefs create our circumstances, my beliefs that I wasn’t worthy, good enough or really didn’t matter, would manifest itself most greatly in my career.  Boss after boss would confirm my “truth” that I wasn’t valuable.

Funny how that works, huh?  The thoughts you feed and nurture have no choice but to produce fruit that substantiates your underlying beliefs.

And when you have evidence presenting itself time and time again, you come to believe that it must be “true.”

The “truth” it turns out, wasn’t mine.  All of the poison he spewed on me that night and  for years afterwards (yes, I was stupid enough to allow him back in my life), was NEVER about ME. 

It was his shit. 

But I was all to willing to take it on as my own. 

Isn’t that what love does?

News flash:  Love lifts up.  It doesn’t tear down.

Love for me now means thinking enough of myself FIRST, to always choose peace.   If something or someone in my life doesn’t bring me peace and joy, it’s time for me to  question, “what is this doing for me? and has the time come to let it go?”

I invite you to take a good, long look at your life.

What labels, excuses, fears, etc. are you carrying because someone else handed them to you and you willingly accepted?

“I’m not really good at _________.”

“I’m stupid/fat/ugly/________”

“I’m not lovable.” or “No one will ever want me.”

Revisit the grandest dream you’ve ever had for your life and ask yourself, “what beliefs am I carrying that are blocking my blessings?”

Then just listen.

While you may not be surprised at the particular beliefs you are carrying, upon further examination, you may be shocked at how you came to them. 

The people we love do the best they can with what they have.  But the labels your parents or other family members put on you, the mean things the kids used to say about you, or that horrible thing your ex said when they walked out, ISN’T ABOUT YOU.

Let it go. 

Give it back.

Bury it.

But whatever it takes, please stop carrying it.

It’s not your shit.

Choose now, in this moment, to carry a new, empowering belief about yourself in it’s place. Repeat it 10-20 times a day for at least the next 30 days.

You deserve to be free.

You deserve peace.

And joy is a choice.

My new belief?

I matter to ME!

Hey, better late than never.

rock on! 

I just got off the phone with my best friend who told me about the new Will Smith movie.  He apparently finds himself as the last man on earth.  She asked me if I could survive in such a scenario because she wasn’t sure she could for the long term.

The idea was pretty intriguing to me.  On some level, I had already lived that experience, albeit in my head.  (that story is for another post).  What surprised her was that I wasn’t freaked out by the thought of being all alone in the world.  However, my only criteria was that I was able to write. 

So then, like any best friend would, she says, “why don’t you write more on your blog or even better, why don’t you write a book?”

Well damn.  I could freakin’ be the last person on earth but froze when she asked me that question.

Truth is, I write alot.  I have a stack of journals that my family has orders to destroy when I die.  Writing has indeed, saved my life. 

So why don’t I do more of it publicly?

Fear. Judgment.  The usual junk that stops most of us all from pursuing our passions full out. 

So, I thought, why not share something I’ve written in my journal?  Talk about being vunerable, huh?  So here goes..

I’ve spent my whole life trying to be safe.  Safe from being abandon, rejected because my biological mother gave me up.  I grew up being afraid of not being good enough for my adoptive parents and spent years worrying that they might send me away if they thought I was a bad girl.

I put stock and trust in friendships, looking for safety and security in them.  Especially with Paul.

I thought if I worked hard and did the right things, my career progression would be secure.

But I was never safe from rejection and abandonment.  My parents died at vunerable times in my life.  Friends betrayed me.  Paul walked away.  And then I found myself with the worst bosses imaginable, who only focused on my shortcomings.

Every person and every thing that I’ve tried to wrap myself in for security is gone (or about to be).  I’m alone, feeling naked and broken in front of the whole world, with no life line.

None.

But myself.

The only real security and safety available to me is ME.  I’m all I have.  My wisdom,  my source, my intuition, my instincts.  I do know the answers and if not, they will be made available to me.

Nothing outside me–no parent, no amount of money, no spouse or lover, no child or sibling, no house, car or other material possession equals SECURITY.

I am safe.

Not because of what I have or who loves me.

But because I am.

This was a huge ephiphany for me.  As this journal entry unfolded, I came to understand what my life lesson has been.  It makes perfect sense that learning “I am safe” would be the lesson of a person who started their life’s journey being abandoned by their own mother.

I get it now.

I see now that we humans have gotten it all wrong.  Ever notice how the tulip doesn’t worry about blooming next spring? Or the migratory bird stressing about whether it will be warm enough down south?

No.  They trust.  Instinctively.

In nature, every things seems to “know” that no matter what, they are safe. 

How did we miss that?  Why do we still choose to believe the illusion?

We have created a fear-based culture that is destroying us.  We’ve allowed our rights to be eroded, even suspended thinking, in exchange for the illusion of safety.

The truth of who we are can be nothing but safe and secure. 

Today, I am choosing to believe in my power.  I am safe.  Always have been.  Always will be.

You are too. 

And I’m going to keep writing about it.

“What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?”~ Oriah Mountain Dreamer

This quote is on the back of my business cards and serves as a reminder of why I want to serve in the world–to help people fully and freely express who they really are. 

For years, I’ve accepted the criticism that there was something wrong with me.  I once was told I didn’t get a job because I talk too much with my hands.   As a varsity cheerleader in high school, the advisor once pulled me aside and asked me to “mess up” occasionally in practice because I intimidated the other girls with my “perfection.”  At the age of 7 (yes 7!) my mother told me that I would have to marry outside my race because I wanted to much in the world.

Yep, I was broken and needed fixing.

It wasn’t until I was 38 years old when the lights went on for me and this quote showed up shortly thereafter.

There I was, sitting in the diversity director’s office of our department, being told by the very person that was entrusted to create an environment where people could be comfortable being themselves, that I needed to change.   

What?

I remember looking around the room for witnesses when I heard this voice in my head shout, “BULLSHIT. Who you are IS more than good enough.  You just don’t belong here.”

And 18 months later, I resigned, so that I could become more of the person I really am.

I’ve come a long way and with the launch of this blog, declared to myself that I’m OK as I am.

But a funny thing happened to me yesterday as I sat down to write this entry.

I went off to my friend’s blog for inspiration.  Jenny has a Master in Fine Arts from NYU and has been writing for years.  Her blog is a very deep look at her personal process.  It’s raw at times, because what she writes about, we all can relate to.  I have deep admiration for her courage to speak her truth and stay true to herself.  I know how difficult that path is.

But when I came back to write, I felt inferior.  Less than.  In a sense, I was writing to compete with Jenny. 

WTF?

So I walked away and began wondering.  Why do we compare ourselves to others?  Why is it that we are entertained by another’s demise or beat ourselves up when Sally loses more weight or gets the great guy?  Why can’t we accept ourselves as we are NOW?

What if there is nothing wrong with us AT ALL?

If I chose to see everyone and everything as PERFECT, what would change in my life? 

What stories or excuses would I have to give up? 

What new opportunities would become available if I truly believed that being me was the greatest gift I could give myself and the best way I could serve others? 

Shit.  I guess I’d choose to stop hiding. Or trying to be as witty as Whoopi, or as pretty as Halle or write like Jenny.

I guess I’d choose to love myself NOW.

What a concept.

So this year, it’s my intention to experience the love of God on a truly intimate level.  I believe that if I could know and experience the love of my Creator so fully, so deeply, that loving myself completely would naturally be the outcome.

But here’s the fun part of that intention that was revealed to me in meditation

When I love myself, I can help others see the greatness that lies within them.  I simply become a mirror for the greatness in YOU.

And if more people could see the truth of how amazing they really are, what kind of world would we create?

I promise that this year, I will be more and more ME!